Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you are able to be nothing more than sheerly frustrated? You can't be indignant and you can't be apathetic. You're just... frustrated.
I have two of these exact situations in the past two days. It's enough to make me scream.
Ok - backing up. Explanation:
Situation 1: My cousin recently came to visit our family for a week. She's been on my heart over the past year especially as we are the same age and in the same stage of life, spreading our wings and trying to figure life out. We have a blast together! The thing that weighs on me is that she is not a Christian. God burdened my heart for her and I have prayed for strength and opportunity to talk to her about it. I was so excited when, as a part of my training for leadership team at my church, I went through an evangelism training. It was perfect for sharing in an already established relationship. I felt ready. She came down Sunday. Since then I have continued to pray and look for opportunity. Last night, I felt "opportunity" got as good as it was going to get and asked her about her Religions class at school. She threw out what little she remembered. Mostly from the other text book in the class - not the Bible - then quickly shut me down explaining that we were "just different." Now, I'm not about to deny this. We couldn't be MORE different. But where was I to go from there? The problem is - we ARE so different. How am I suppose to share something that literally requires her to change every aspect of her life then send her back to the exact same self destructive environment as before and ask her take my word for it? I know that with God all things are possible, but how on earth... I mean WHAT on earth... am I suppose to do? It was so - frustrating.
Situation 2: I love my neighbors beyond words. It's hard to know such sweet people for four years and not love them. And they're right there! Our relationship with them is what America use to be like - what it should be like. We knew them before they even had their two daughters they have now. We watch them so much that they're basically my sisters even though we aren't blood related. I wouldn't hesitate going out of my way for them. Not a second. They weren't "religious" when we first became close. But having children does something to you. It makes you think more to the future - and statistically - more people become "religious" after they have their first child. My neighbors were no different. I had been praying for them ever since we became close, but began in earnest when they found out they were pregnant. I prayed til my heart broke that God would use this baby to bring them to Him. I don't think I was unclear... and I know God didn't make a mistake... but my heart shattered as they came to visit one day all lit up about how they had found a church that morning. "It's even right here in the neighborhood!" she beaming. I was SO happy - until I realized she was speaking of the Mormon Temple on the other side of the subdivision. I quickly informed God of His mistake. I continued praying. To my shame - not as faithfully as before, but still with the same sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and the same wrench in my heart that threatened tears no matter where I was. (And I don't cry in public!) That was three years ago. Today their oldest daughter came over so her mom could have some down time while the dad was gone. Where was he? "Missionary" training. For the second day in a row I shut everything down to try to think through what was going on before I did something unchecked. And I was back at that same - disabling feeling of frustration.
So what is it? What am I to do?
I have the only information that will ever matter. The information they need. The information that will change eternity - good or bad. I am a hero. I have what they can't begin to imagine they need.
And yet here I am - nearly four years into close relationship with both cases - and they still don't get it. They still don't know. They still won't listen. I still can't approach it.
The clock ticks on. It's not waiting for me. It's not waiting for them. It doesn't care. I'm helpless. And time is doing nothing but gaining downhill speed fast.
So I'm frustrated. More aware of it now, but frustrated just the same everyday. I wake up a hero and go to bed hopeless. My cousin sleeps below me in the bunk bed and my neighbors are not a hundred yards across the street.
I believe in the power of prayer. And I'm not going to stop praying. But for now - I just feel like a helpless hero.
