Matter of the Heart

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." - Proverbs 20:5
"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man."- Proverbs 27:19
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

So, I'm in a semi solemn mood tonight. Not always a good thing. I tend to think too much when I get this way. Obviously, the topic for my pondering this time is man's heart. What a mysterious thing. Can you actually ever know it? ...I don't believe so. And even more - can you actually ever know your own heart? It's a ridiculous thought really. Of course you're suppose to know the reasons behind your own decisions and motives! But sometimes I wonder if we actually do. We're so good at tricking ourselves sometimes. To realize it, you have to pay attention and look for it. "It's a matter of the heart" is a phrase I've heard used a lot recently. It's a pretty common "Jesus-jargon" phrase basically meaning "I don't know, only you can decide if your motives are actually God-glorifying." But can you? You can check yourself, but if not continually checking yourself - you're gonna slip. I've started so many things with the right motives only to get months down the road and realize not only did I no longer have the right motives, but I actually had grown to loathe the very thing I started to glorify God with. So many people have good intentions... but then life happens - and you end up completely forgetting the good intentions, turning it into something required, and eventually realizing that you've now created an entirely avoidable issue.
So how do you tell? How do you keep your heart in check? I said earlier that I didn't think you could really know your heart. Let me clarify - I don't think you can know the heart in its own nature. However, what you can know is how you train it and how you train it is what it will become. I'll share a little about my own experience.
It's a day by day thing. Each day, each moment, each choice- you can go two ways. You can go a way that would be comfortable and easy, or you can go the way that the Lord is calling you to. Even in the simple things. It's not always the easiest choice. Sometimes I really just want to roll over and hit the snooze one more time, promising God I'll get to Him later that day. This is generally the biggest mistake of my day. I have come to find that, in my personal life, until I wake up and acknowledge God and dedicate the day to Him - I'm going to have a really hard day. It starts right there for me. My eyes open and the first thing I try to think is "G'morning God. :)" Trust me - it's not easy - I am NOT a morning person! But if I don't start my day off right - let's just say it's not pretty. I'm more distant from God throughout the day, I'm shorter with people, and I'm shorter with myself. In this mindset I really can't be all that God has given me the potential to be. It's a lot easier to keep your heart right, if you start it right. (Don't mistake me - I'm not one of those people claiming you HAVE to have your devotion in the morning. I'm just saying that even though I'm probably the most awful morning person you've ever seen, I've learned to swallow that because of how much it helps me keep my heart right throughout the day.) After I've started my day right, it becomes a lot easier to talk to God throughout the day - this continues to keep my heart right. I try to notice Him in the things around me as often as I can (if you haven't read it yet, go find my entry "Untitled" in January '10) and thank Him for His presence. No - I'm not "super godly." This is not something that came naturally to me - it's something I have trained and still am training myself to do. As one of my friends once said "Good habits are painful to learn until they become habits." It's true - rarely if ever are good habits easy or natural. From here, if you continue paying attention, keeping your heart right flows into everything you do and everything you touch. If you are consciously striving to keep your heart right before God, you will realize that the only thing that matters is what He wants you to do - and that becomes all you want to do. It seems trivial, the decisions that result in a right heart, but just like anything else- it's built. Like a wall made of many bricks, the sky made of many stars, or a field with each little blade of grass - they wouldn't be the same without every indiviual detail. In the same way, when it comes down to it, choice by choice - your life and the way you live it is a matter of the heart.

Monuments for Memory

So, it's been a while but that's ok. It's been a while for a good reason. Sometimes you're learning so much that you need to absorb it all before you can get time to actually write it down. That's where I've been.

It's been an amazing month and an amazing ride. Beginning and most obviously, with the start of a new relationship in my life. Ha! Talk about learning! There's so much involved that you can have as much head knowledge as you want, but until you're actually there, you don't realize just how much is involved in it. It's not like in the movies where everything just "works." It is work. But the coolest thing about it is that it's a joyful work. I've loved working at this and figuring it out and I look forward to future lessons. It's a blast of an adventure and God has been faithful in taking care of the relationship so far and honoring our efforts to glorify Him in all we do. (And of course that's not to mention my boyfriend being a huge help and blessing!) I've come to learn so much about God through this adventure. Learning to trust Him gladly with what I myself cannot control (like - another person!), and even beyond that in having drawn closer to Him and asking His input out of honestly caring what He thinks has been huge for me. Learning how to put God first and fully depend on Him and seeing Him handle things and come through has been wonderful. I gladly say that my relationship with God is deeper today than it ever has been in the past - I trust Him more fully and love Him more deeply than I ever have before. This, in large part, is due to lessons I've learned from my dating relationship with Shaun. I now desire God more than ever as I earnestly seek to remain in His will - especially in this.

On top of that adventure I've had everything in my life seem to peak in the last month - school, church, extra-curricular, friends, family - it all came at once! THAT was an adventure too! Less than five and a half hours of sleep a night and lucky for more than four, packed weekends, Sunday wasn't even restful - I was running myself into the ground! God taught me a lot about time management. Hopefully I've learned my lesson for next semester! Lol.

Now I'm embarking on another adventure as I prepare to be a camp counselor this summer with 14 new girls in my cabin for each of the eight weeks of camp. I'm excited and even have a few butterflies, but I'm remembering that my ultimate goal is to be a willing utensil for His service.. I pray that I may keep my eyes open for His signs, for all of the campers I will encounter this summer, as well as the girls I will be serving with. This is a wonderful opportunity and I can't wait to see how God will use it to grow me even more.

This year has truly been a growing experience for me. I've had a ridiculous amount adventures and while I definitely got some bumps and bruises, they've healed. The ride's been a blast and I am truly looking forward to the future with anticipation. :)

I wanted to share some of the verses I have found that have helped me throughout this past year. They are beautiful treasures to me and I hope they will touch you and help you as much as they have me. God Bless! :)

Psalm 90:12 - "So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a
heart of wisdom."

*Look for everything you can to see what God would have you take advantage of
for Him.

Ezekiel 18:25 - " Yet you say, 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now,
O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not
right?"

*We may have our plans, but don't try telling God he's wrong! Lol. I think He made
His point clear here.

1 Peter 1:13-16 - "Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in
spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the
revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be
conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the
Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because
it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."

*We are called to be set apart. Be a story - not a statistic.
Shine for Him.

Ephesians 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that
it may benefit those who listen."

*Say what you mean - mean what you say. Be kind and don't
get caught up in the world's games. Sticks and stones may break
bones, but words cut deeper than seen. Don't take advantage of words - you
will be held accountable.

1 Timothy 4:12 - "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young,
but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and
in purity."

*Going back to being set apart. Don't let others tell you it can't be
done. Know what God calls you to do and go for it with all your heart.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3; 13 - "And now I will show you the most excellent
way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I
am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and
can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the
poos and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain
nothing. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the
greatest of these is love."

*I've been so busy this year, but something God has called my attention to
recently is the fact that I can do all I want for Him, but unless I'm doing it
in love, it means nothing. It's really weird to see everything I've tried
over the past several months disintegrate to nothing on the altar realizing that I
was doing it to get it done, not in love. When I remember to serve God's
children in love - it changes the whole outlook to my service. I am so
much more useful to God and I find so much more joy in serving.

It's important to remember where we came from. This is to help me remember. This is a monument for me to look back on and remember what God has done for me. I hope in some way, these scriptures have encouraged you as they have me.