From the Mouths of Babes

:) I can't do anything but smile.
I've been working at a camp over the past three weeks and have another four before the summer's over. Long story short - it's been hard. About fifteen minutes ago I was so worn - not just mentally and physically, but spiritually. Dealing with hard work situations, lack of personal care, and girls who have hard questions has drained me to the point where, honestly, I have wanted to quit. It has seemed like one thing after another and every time it began to feel like I was getting my head above water the next thing would hit harder than the thing before it. I have felt little encouragement from those around me and haven't been helping myself by staying as firmly in the word as I should. Honestly - the last thing I expected was to get encouragement from the one place that I am all but worn through and literally hanging on by a thread in. After a solid week of children, I find myself spending my "off" time babysitting. Lol - I know. Not exactly relaxing. But they're good kids - they really are. Despite that thought - it's still working after working. But when little Hailey came up to me and asked to show me something, I thought I was going to once more put a smile on my face and nod sweetly - instead, I found myself amazed at the purity of a child's heart. What she wanted to share and shared with me were two songs she had written. Songs she had written for and about God. I found my heart warmed, refreshed, and for the life of me - a much desired ray of sunlight finally breaking through the crust I had felt beginning to surround my heart. And in that moment, I my heart changed from beaten to hopeful. I wanted to share little Hailey's songs with you. I hope the innocence of her sweet love for God touches you as it did me.

Hailey’s Songs


Prayer Song
We are specially and wonderfully made.
He said we are His greatest creations.
Keep me still and hear my prayer.
I call upon You and You hear me.
Keep me still and I will listen to You.
You are all I have and You say I am wonderfully made.
Keep me still and call on me.


God Is
God is, God is, God is,
God is faithful.
He keeps His promises and loves me so.
God is, God is, God is,
God is the Maker.
He made me wonderfully and remarkably made.
He is the King of all and faithful and wonderfully made.
He keeps me up and loves me.

Psalm 8:2 - "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise."

Helpless Hero

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you are able to be nothing more than sheerly frustrated? You can't be indignant and you can't be apathetic. You're just... frustrated.
I have two of these exact situations in the past two days. It's enough to make me scream.
Ok - backing up. Explanation:
Situation 1: My cousin recently came to visit our family for a week. She's been on my heart over the past year especially as we are the same age and in the same stage of life, spreading our wings and trying to figure life out. We have a blast together! The thing that weighs on me is that she is not a Christian. God burdened my heart for her and I have prayed for strength and opportunity to talk to her about it. I was so excited when, as a part of my training for leadership team at my church, I went through an evangelism training. It was perfect for sharing in an already established relationship. I felt ready. She came down Sunday. Since then I have continued to pray and look for opportunity. Last night, I felt "opportunity" got as good as it was going to get and asked her about her Religions class at school. She threw out what little she remembered. Mostly from the other text book in the class - not the Bible - then quickly shut me down explaining that we were "just different." Now, I'm not about to deny this. We couldn't be MORE different. But where was I to go from there? The problem is - we ARE so different. How am I suppose to share something that literally requires her to change every aspect of her life then send her back to the exact same self destructive environment as before and ask her take my word for it? I know that with God all things are possible, but how on earth... I mean WHAT on earth... am I suppose to do? It was so - frustrating.
Situation 2: I love my neighbors beyond words. It's hard to know such sweet people for four years and not love them. And they're right there! Our relationship with them is what America use to be like - what it should be like. We knew them before they even had their two daughters they have now. We watch them so much that they're basically my sisters even though we aren't blood related. I wouldn't hesitate going out of my way for them. Not a second. They weren't "religious" when we first became close. But having children does something to you. It makes you think more to the future - and statistically - more people become "religious" after they have their first child. My neighbors were no different. I had been praying for them ever since we became close, but began in earnest when they found out they were pregnant. I prayed til my heart broke that God would use this baby to bring them to Him. I don't think I was unclear... and I know God didn't make a mistake... but my heart shattered as they came to visit one day all lit up about how they had found a church that morning. "It's even right here in the neighborhood!" she beaming. I was SO happy - until I realized she was speaking of the Mormon Temple on the other side of the subdivision. I quickly informed God of His mistake. I continued praying. To my shame - not as faithfully as before, but still with the same sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and the same wrench in my heart that threatened tears no matter where I was. (And I don't cry in public!) That was three years ago. Today their oldest daughter came over so her mom could have some down time while the dad was gone. Where was he? "Missionary" training. For the second day in a row I shut everything down to try to think through what was going on before I did something unchecked. And I was back at that same - disabling feeling of frustration.
So what is it? What am I to do?
I have the only information that will ever matter. The information they need. The information that will change eternity - good or bad. I am a hero. I have what they can't begin to imagine they need.
And yet here I am - nearly four years into close relationship with both cases - and they still don't get it. They still don't know. They still won't listen. I still can't approach it.
The clock ticks on. It's not waiting for me. It's not waiting for them. It doesn't care. I'm helpless. And time is doing nothing but gaining downhill speed fast.
So I'm frustrated. More aware of it now, but frustrated just the same everyday. I wake up a hero and go to bed hopeless. My cousin sleeps below me in the bunk bed and my neighbors are not a hundred yards across the street.
I believe in the power of prayer. And I'm not going to stop praying. But for now - I just feel like a helpless hero.

Matter of the Heart

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." - Proverbs 20:5
"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man."- Proverbs 27:19
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

So, I'm in a semi solemn mood tonight. Not always a good thing. I tend to think too much when I get this way. Obviously, the topic for my pondering this time is man's heart. What a mysterious thing. Can you actually ever know it? ...I don't believe so. And even more - can you actually ever know your own heart? It's a ridiculous thought really. Of course you're suppose to know the reasons behind your own decisions and motives! But sometimes I wonder if we actually do. We're so good at tricking ourselves sometimes. To realize it, you have to pay attention and look for it. "It's a matter of the heart" is a phrase I've heard used a lot recently. It's a pretty common "Jesus-jargon" phrase basically meaning "I don't know, only you can decide if your motives are actually God-glorifying." But can you? You can check yourself, but if not continually checking yourself - you're gonna slip. I've started so many things with the right motives only to get months down the road and realize not only did I no longer have the right motives, but I actually had grown to loathe the very thing I started to glorify God with. So many people have good intentions... but then life happens - and you end up completely forgetting the good intentions, turning it into something required, and eventually realizing that you've now created an entirely avoidable issue.
So how do you tell? How do you keep your heart in check? I said earlier that I didn't think you could really know your heart. Let me clarify - I don't think you can know the heart in its own nature. However, what you can know is how you train it and how you train it is what it will become. I'll share a little about my own experience.
It's a day by day thing. Each day, each moment, each choice- you can go two ways. You can go a way that would be comfortable and easy, or you can go the way that the Lord is calling you to. Even in the simple things. It's not always the easiest choice. Sometimes I really just want to roll over and hit the snooze one more time, promising God I'll get to Him later that day. This is generally the biggest mistake of my day. I have come to find that, in my personal life, until I wake up and acknowledge God and dedicate the day to Him - I'm going to have a really hard day. It starts right there for me. My eyes open and the first thing I try to think is "G'morning God. :)" Trust me - it's not easy - I am NOT a morning person! But if I don't start my day off right - let's just say it's not pretty. I'm more distant from God throughout the day, I'm shorter with people, and I'm shorter with myself. In this mindset I really can't be all that God has given me the potential to be. It's a lot easier to keep your heart right, if you start it right. (Don't mistake me - I'm not one of those people claiming you HAVE to have your devotion in the morning. I'm just saying that even though I'm probably the most awful morning person you've ever seen, I've learned to swallow that because of how much it helps me keep my heart right throughout the day.) After I've started my day right, it becomes a lot easier to talk to God throughout the day - this continues to keep my heart right. I try to notice Him in the things around me as often as I can (if you haven't read it yet, go find my entry "Untitled" in January '10) and thank Him for His presence. No - I'm not "super godly." This is not something that came naturally to me - it's something I have trained and still am training myself to do. As one of my friends once said "Good habits are painful to learn until they become habits." It's true - rarely if ever are good habits easy or natural. From here, if you continue paying attention, keeping your heart right flows into everything you do and everything you touch. If you are consciously striving to keep your heart right before God, you will realize that the only thing that matters is what He wants you to do - and that becomes all you want to do. It seems trivial, the decisions that result in a right heart, but just like anything else- it's built. Like a wall made of many bricks, the sky made of many stars, or a field with each little blade of grass - they wouldn't be the same without every indiviual detail. In the same way, when it comes down to it, choice by choice - your life and the way you live it is a matter of the heart.

Monuments for Memory

So, it's been a while but that's ok. It's been a while for a good reason. Sometimes you're learning so much that you need to absorb it all before you can get time to actually write it down. That's where I've been.

It's been an amazing month and an amazing ride. Beginning and most obviously, with the start of a new relationship in my life. Ha! Talk about learning! There's so much involved that you can have as much head knowledge as you want, but until you're actually there, you don't realize just how much is involved in it. It's not like in the movies where everything just "works." It is work. But the coolest thing about it is that it's a joyful work. I've loved working at this and figuring it out and I look forward to future lessons. It's a blast of an adventure and God has been faithful in taking care of the relationship so far and honoring our efforts to glorify Him in all we do. (And of course that's not to mention my boyfriend being a huge help and blessing!) I've come to learn so much about God through this adventure. Learning to trust Him gladly with what I myself cannot control (like - another person!), and even beyond that in having drawn closer to Him and asking His input out of honestly caring what He thinks has been huge for me. Learning how to put God first and fully depend on Him and seeing Him handle things and come through has been wonderful. I gladly say that my relationship with God is deeper today than it ever has been in the past - I trust Him more fully and love Him more deeply than I ever have before. This, in large part, is due to lessons I've learned from my dating relationship with Shaun. I now desire God more than ever as I earnestly seek to remain in His will - especially in this.

On top of that adventure I've had everything in my life seem to peak in the last month - school, church, extra-curricular, friends, family - it all came at once! THAT was an adventure too! Less than five and a half hours of sleep a night and lucky for more than four, packed weekends, Sunday wasn't even restful - I was running myself into the ground! God taught me a lot about time management. Hopefully I've learned my lesson for next semester! Lol.

Now I'm embarking on another adventure as I prepare to be a camp counselor this summer with 14 new girls in my cabin for each of the eight weeks of camp. I'm excited and even have a few butterflies, but I'm remembering that my ultimate goal is to be a willing utensil for His service.. I pray that I may keep my eyes open for His signs, for all of the campers I will encounter this summer, as well as the girls I will be serving with. This is a wonderful opportunity and I can't wait to see how God will use it to grow me even more.

This year has truly been a growing experience for me. I've had a ridiculous amount adventures and while I definitely got some bumps and bruises, they've healed. The ride's been a blast and I am truly looking forward to the future with anticipation. :)

I wanted to share some of the verses I have found that have helped me throughout this past year. They are beautiful treasures to me and I hope they will touch you and help you as much as they have me. God Bless! :)

Psalm 90:12 - "So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a
heart of wisdom."

*Look for everything you can to see what God would have you take advantage of
for Him.

Ezekiel 18:25 - " Yet you say, 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now,
O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not
right?"

*We may have our plans, but don't try telling God he's wrong! Lol. I think He made
His point clear here.

1 Peter 1:13-16 - "Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in
spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the
revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be
conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the
Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because
it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."

*We are called to be set apart. Be a story - not a statistic.
Shine for Him.

Ephesians 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that
it may benefit those who listen."

*Say what you mean - mean what you say. Be kind and don't
get caught up in the world's games. Sticks and stones may break
bones, but words cut deeper than seen. Don't take advantage of words - you
will be held accountable.

1 Timothy 4:12 - "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young,
but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and
in purity."

*Going back to being set apart. Don't let others tell you it can't be
done. Know what God calls you to do and go for it with all your heart.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3; 13 - "And now I will show you the most excellent
way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I
am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and
can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the
poos and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain
nothing. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the
greatest of these is love."

*I've been so busy this year, but something God has called my attention to
recently is the fact that I can do all I want for Him, but unless I'm doing it
in love, it means nothing. It's really weird to see everything I've tried
over the past several months disintegrate to nothing on the altar realizing that I
was doing it to get it done, not in love. When I remember to serve God's
children in love - it changes the whole outlook to my service. I am so
much more useful to God and I find so much more joy in serving.

It's important to remember where we came from. This is to help me remember. This is a monument for me to look back on and remember what God has done for me. I hope in some way, these scriptures have encouraged you as they have me.

Learning to Receive

Are you one of those "gift" people? You love to give gifts - and in polite honesty, you like receiving them too? Haha. I'm not. Well - not so much anyway. One of the hardest things for me to do is to "indebt" myself to someone. Which at times, is basically what I view a gift as. Unfortunately, this mindset also transferred into my view of God sometimes. I didn't think I deserved such blessing. So even though He wanted to bless me, I would stubbornly refuse to accept it thinking that I didn't deserve it, I couldn't pay Him back, or I would mess it up somehow. I thought if I resisted long enough God would get the picture and leave me alone realizing that I really wasn't worth it.
In Malachi 3:8-10 God is talking to His people about how they have been robbing Him of the financial tithes due Him. In my case, the"tithe" that I have been withholding is myself. For some silly reason, I thought that I knew better than God. "I know what I'm really like..." But I forgot something. Kinda the most important something ever. That's not what He sees. He sees the fact that His Son shed His blood for me. He sees the fact that I've been washed in that blood and now stand with no accusation against me. Why do we hold onto what God has forgiven - and even more - forgotten? Psalm 103:8-14 says: "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Do you see that? God remembers exactly who we are. We are dust. So who are we to tell God "better?" Who am I to tell God what He can and can't give me? I love this verse and have carried it in my book bag ever since I found it: Ezekiel 18:25 "Yet you say. 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now, O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not right?"
Haha. I laugh, but it's more of a sad chuckle when I realize how much it hurts God for me to fight Him so. I've fought, I've kicked, I've screamed - and I've ended up where God would have me anyway. :) Praise God that He doesn't obey our sad, confused little human minds. Praise God that He knows better. Praise God that He knows what we need more than we ourselves do. Don't hold yourself back from God. Let Him shower you with blessings. It's only natural for your Heavenly Father to want to bless you! ("Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" - Mt 7:9-11) God want to bless his children. Going back to Malachi, think about this. God says if you give Him whatever it is you're holding back, "see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." It's a lot more enjoyable that way. And yes - lol - you're gonna end up there anyway. ;)
I'm still learning - but hopefully - I'll be able to remember too.
James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

Moments I live for...

Hmmm. Hi! :)

I know that sounds like kinda a weird way to start out a post, but bear with me. You know those moments you live for? Those literal moments of perfect content and peace. Where nothing's necessarily right - but nothing's wrong. The peace and refreshment that engulfs you - the calm before the storm, if you will... Isn't that one of the most stunning times ever? Right before the storm? Everything's perfect - the smell of the future torrent is in the air, but for now - it's not here.
Not yet.
And you embrace the smell.
To me it smells like rain.
For the longest time I had no idea what people meant when they would talk about being able to "smell rain." Until maybe 2 years ago, I thought they were just crazy or I just "didn't have it." No matter. I can smell it now. And I love it. The past few days have been gorgeous. Absolutely impossible to ruin! (Trust me - I've had the flu and I loved them that much!) God is awesome!

I'm not one of those people who stops. Like - really. I've found that the only time I physically cannot multitask is when I am soaking up the sun on the roof of New Women's...kinda. It's too bright to read, but unfortunately, my cell still gets reception. Anywho... point being - God is awesome, yes. But He's awesome specifically in that He gave me the flu. Hehe. I know, I know! I sound crazy! But having the flu forced me to stop. I even tried multitasking! But He knocked me out. I slept for two days together! It was wonderful because I have been running myself into the ground being busy and it's only about to get busier! (If that's even possible!) But God, in His loving wisdom and providence - forced me to recharge before I head back into the thick of it. Over the past few days, I wish I could say that I've dug deeply into my bible study, but I haven't. Instead, I simply basked in knowing my loving Father was there. Holding me. I was reminded of who I was. His Princess. It's really refreshing to take some time and remember who you are. To go out and meet your maker. To walk in His cool, quiet garden. Those are the moments I live for. No matter how crazy life gets, may we not forget who's we are. I'm so thankful that my Lord pulled me aside and reminded me who's I was! Do you need some time to step aside and remember?

So - that's what I've been up to! :D

The Contradictions of a Jane of All Trades and Perfectionist

First off - I really think half my "problems" would be solved if I stop staying up so dang late! Honestly - it's when I tend to do most of my thinking because it's about the only quiet time you'll ever get. Ok - on to the "story," if you will, of this blog.
I was watching a movie tonight with one of my girlfriends - but that's not the point, that's just the setting. So I'm in her room at 2am when the movie's finally over. Somehow we got onto the topic of penmanship (probably because she was writing) and how gorgeous hers is and how I really hate mine. Now - for the record - her handwriting looks like it cam from a printer during the floral style of Jane Austin. Mine, while cursive, is much more like me. Legible, but plain. Considerate, but blunt. This lead into a discussion on how I didn't have a creative bone in my body.
Rewind: Age 7. I decided that I was not going to be an expert in any one area, I wanted rather, to be a "Jane of all trades" so that I could do whatever came my way. I decided may other things at this age - many of which I have kept, scarily enough. But there is something to be said for resolution.
Ok - back to present day. I don't have a single creative bone in my body. No - REALLY! I can do imitation and general replication for a short period of time after learning. But I have to have something to imitate. Something concrete in front of me that I can see and come back to and compare to. I had come to accept this. That though I've always wanted to be able to draw an elephant (I know... I don't know why - I just always have dreamed of being able to draw a life-like elephant) I never would be able to. And I was perfectly fine with it. I, instead, worked on things that I thought were down my alley. But the Jane of all trades had a problem. Well - a few... 1. I'm also a perfectionist. If I don't know exactly what I'm suppose to be doing, exactly how I'm suppose to be doing it, and generally have check points to make sure I'm on the right track - I'm usually going to be hesitant and not to thrilled. 2. Because I wanted to be good at everything - I really turned out to not be much good in anything. (Again - assisted by the "if I can't do it perfectly, what's the point?") SO - all that to say. My girlfriend challenged me. In the weirdest - most ridiculous way ever. I don't even think she realized it. She used two words that threw in to sharp realization the fact that I didn't really believe what I thought I did. "Why not?" I'm not being dramatic. My heart skipped several beats making it feel like someone had pin-pointed a spray of machine gun fire directly into my chest. I couldn't breathe. It was the most ridiculous thing ever! Here I am - a self-declared "Jane" and at the same time saying I can't do something so simple as hold a pen loosely and imagine curly q's. "Some people just aren't creative - and that's ok! I'm one of those people." I told her. "Well why can't you be?" Honestly - I was scared. And I don't mean "oh my gosh" scared. I mean failure scared. OVER PENMANSHIP! But I realized - I wasn't really scared of trying a new style of writing. I've done calligraphy for a few years - I'm not amazing and I have to have the book in front of me, but I'm not incompetent. I was scared of failing. Of finding out that instead of just being ok with the fact that I'm not creative in and of myself (I can go off inspiration) that I actually can't be creative. That I'm physically and mentally incapable of being creative on my own. I don't know what I'll do with all of this. Probably nothing. It's penmanship and I really don't care that much. But I need to make sure that this kind of fear doesn't cripple me in other areas of my life like I know it has in the past. It brought to mind one of my all-time favorite poems:

"Our Deepest Fear"
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson

:) Ya - I really like that. What if we didn't let anything hold us back? Especially ourselves. What if every time we tore ourself down with a "I can't" we took a moment to realize "You know, if I really wanted to - I could."? And what if we wanted it enough to do it - and enough to succeed. That's the kind of person I want to be. Not held back for fear of "not being able to do it" but someone who cares enough to give it a try. This goes so much farther than penmanship. This is a lifestyle. We weren't put here to be content. May I not be complacent. May I allow myself to try - really try to make my own curly q's.