Savior

Life can become a lot to handle. I'm glad to remember I don't have to handle it alone.

You're Gonna Miss This

Don't spend your life wishing it away.

"My Father Knows"

"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things and your Father knows you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you. Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." - Luke 12: 29-32

Father,

When I let the pressures and stresses of life overwhelm me I forget You. I forget that you are my loving Father who cares for me. I forget that You are my intimate lover who misses me. I forget that You are my Almighty God who empowers me. I fail to call on You, choosing instead to focus on my troubles at hand and for that am overpowered by them. I forget that you were once a man. I forget that you know the trials of everyday life. I forget that you know ME. You understand what I'm going through. What I'm fighting with. What weighs me down. You know. And all I need to do is look away from my struggles and look to You. You protect me. You strengthen me. You raise me up. You set me right. You take my hand. You prepare my path. May I no longer be intimidated to approach you because of my failures. May I truly believe in your love for me. That you want what's best for me. That you want me to succeed. May I remember that You will not take advantage of me or laugh at my weakness. You will not hold over my head that I am inadequate to face life on my own. You will not gloat that I need you but rather rejoice that You can be of service. You take pleasure in protecting and providing for me. When satan whispers lies of doubt may I remember the purity of Your character and always choose You. May I never doubt Your faithfulness. Your providence. Your favor. Your love. May I remember it's not about me - it's about You. May I remember who you truly are. "God. Is. Love. And perfect love, casts out fear."

Amen.

Eden

I love walking barefoot. I love the feel of the cool grass between my toes. I can't help but think that's how God meant it to be. And each step I make takes me closer to Eden.

The Bigger Picture

I have a certain affinity in my heart for those in the military. Being raised as a military BRAT this should come as no surprise. There's something about being a member of the Armed Forces- even if only as a dependent. It's a family - something bigger than just one person.
All too frequently I find myself getting caught up in the irritations of the everyday grind. My focus becomes narrow and my world shrinks. My focus becomes me and I become depressed. There so much to do and so little time - how am I ever to enjoy myself? It's a rapidly descending downward spiral.
This is why I firmly believe that as humans we NEED to believe in something bigger than ourselves in order to be truly happy. I mean think about it - if life in its essence were only about you - that would be one of the most boring and the most depressing reasons for existence ever! I couldn't live in the day to day grind under the belief that it was all about me. And when I do, I'm miserable.
My childhood wasn't the easiest or most smooth of childhoods. I had my bumps and bruises. Frequently my father, who was in the military, was gone on TDY or had to work night shifts while my mother covered more slack than I will ever realize existed. Too often I become ungrateful to them for the "lack of their presence" while I was growing up. In truth - they really weren't as absent as I sometimes make them out to be in my head. Oh, they were gone frequently - don't get me wrong, but they always strove to be there and they weren't gone half as often as some kids parents. Nor were they absent simply because they didn't want me or my sisters. They were gone for a bigger purpose.
I seemed to understand this well enough in my childhood. But as I grew older it seems I forgot to be as thankful for my parents and all the hard work they put in to that bigger picture.
For my parents - their bigger picture was two-fold- their country and their God. They both sacrificed themselves and their desires to these pictures. My father's twenty-two years of service in the United States Air Force demanded much of him. He served his country to the best of his ability, making hard decisions and sticking by to see them through. His devotion to God was just as fervent. As a leader in every church we ever attended, both my parents spare time was filled with mentoring those younger who sought godly direction. It was not uncommon for me to walk into our living room during the afternoon to see someone on our couch crying and asking my mom for advice. These two devotions kept them busy - but they did their best and they were never "absent."
More than anything they ever did for anyone else, however, was what they did for my two sisters and me - and that is lead by example. Sure, I didn't realize it at the time, but I'm realizing it now. For a while I was confused by their methods, but now I believe I'm beginning to see a bit more clearly. My parents - through their belief in the bigger picture - taught me to believe in one as well. I am not serving in the military. While my heart will always be with them, for now, that is not where I am suppose to be. For now, my bigger picture is simply, God. (And I'm not the best at that one yet, but I'm working on it.)
Honestly - this is the best and most important bigger picture to have- it is foundational. But beyond that, there are a million other pictures to see. And the value in living for something bigger than yourself is indescribable. It is freeing when life isn't about you. When you start feeling bogged down by life, take a step back and find your bigger picture- what is valuable enough to you that you will devote yourself to it? When you find your bigger picture, I guarantee it will lift your spirits.

My Cry

God? Are you there? Can you hear me?
I hate when I do this. When I get "busy."
I hate when I walk away. When I stop listening.
My soul longs for you and I ignore it. My soul years for you and I shut it up.
It's not that I've been bad about seeking you - I just haven't period recently.
I look for answers from you- but I don't have/take the time to listen. I just try to use you.
And I wonder why I hate my life as of late!
So I've become what I despise.
I miss you. I miss being close to you. I miss our fellowship.
Do you hate me? Are you disappointed? I feel like you are because I've been listening to the lies that tell me so. You have reason to, you know. Can you forgive me - again?
I don't know where to go. Where to start.
And yet - I feel like this is it. Like now- finally on my knees - I have started when I didn't know how to begin.
So here I am.
Just a human. Standing before her God. Asking if another chance is possible.
Will you forgive me again? Will you hold it against me?



*enters Hope*

Only So Many Hours...

So - I was walking across campus yesterday thinking about how sad it is that the joy of learning has been replaced with the stress of learning. I was thinking about all the things that I would LOVE to learn about - but because society dictates what I must learn - I dread it instead of reveling in it. If I could study all the things I wanted - I'm SURE I'd never graduate! Certainly not with any usful degree to help me survive the world anyway. :( Why do we have to be so competitive. (And don't tell me to do it in my spare time- I don't have spare time! Life's to competitive for that. I almost DO feel like Darwin's survival of the fitest.) >.< Life would be so much more enjoyable if I didn't feel like it was a to-do list. It's like "take these certain classes at these certain times about these certain topics so that you can graduate at this certain time to do what everyone else is clawing to maintain some sort of security in." WOO! That was fun! *please sense heavy sarcasm*
So - enough bashing on school and the confining demands of society for survival. What would I do if I could do what ever I wanted? Well, hmmm... :) I'd LOVE to study:
-Prayer: the entire concept fascinates me! I'd love to take time to actually look at, understand, and study it rather than just do it - assuming what it is. I know what it is in its basics - but I want to understand it so I can appreciate it more.
-Photography: I LOVE looking at it! I love playing with (ie-editing) it! I'd LOVE knowing how to DO it! I had the chance to take a photography class once and I absolutely loved it! (Until I had to drop out in order to take on more volunteer hours to get better scholarships to a college...)
-Reading: I miss the days I could read for pleasure. Now - if I'm not reading for the sake of studying - I get a guilt complex. :(
-Astronomy: the skies have ALWAYS fascinated me! Especially the night sky! I studied a little about astronomy when I was a child but that also faded out when school increased.
-Quilting: ok - so now I'm kinda bleeding over to my "bucket list," but I've wanted to make a quilt for several years now. :)
-Music/Voice: I use to take piano - and hated it. Now I miss it like no one's business! What I wouldn't give to still be able to read music, pick something up, and play it on the piano! Also, I've always dreamed of taking voice. And at some point in my future - hopefully sooner than later - I hope to teach myself guitar. :)
-Nonverbal Communication: it may not be a perfect science (YET!) but I would LOVE to study nonverbal communication and microexpressions. (Yes - Lie to Me is a favorite tv show.) :)
-Shooting/Fencing: The first I've done and I love (though for lack of practice I've drilled bad habits into my style). Fencing, I've always thought would be really fun (Thanks to Lindsy Lohan's "Parent Trap") but have yet to actually try. It's not the highest on my list.

That's all off the top of my head. So yes - I truly am eclectic. :) What about you? If you could study anything you wanted - what's your list? :)