The Contradictions of a Jane of All Trades and Perfectionist

First off - I really think half my "problems" would be solved if I stop staying up so dang late! Honestly - it's when I tend to do most of my thinking because it's about the only quiet time you'll ever get. Ok - on to the "story," if you will, of this blog.
I was watching a movie tonight with one of my girlfriends - but that's not the point, that's just the setting. So I'm in her room at 2am when the movie's finally over. Somehow we got onto the topic of penmanship (probably because she was writing) and how gorgeous hers is and how I really hate mine. Now - for the record - her handwriting looks like it cam from a printer during the floral style of Jane Austin. Mine, while cursive, is much more like me. Legible, but plain. Considerate, but blunt. This lead into a discussion on how I didn't have a creative bone in my body.
Rewind: Age 7. I decided that I was not going to be an expert in any one area, I wanted rather, to be a "Jane of all trades" so that I could do whatever came my way. I decided may other things at this age - many of which I have kept, scarily enough. But there is something to be said for resolution.
Ok - back to present day. I don't have a single creative bone in my body. No - REALLY! I can do imitation and general replication for a short period of time after learning. But I have to have something to imitate. Something concrete in front of me that I can see and come back to and compare to. I had come to accept this. That though I've always wanted to be able to draw an elephant (I know... I don't know why - I just always have dreamed of being able to draw a life-like elephant) I never would be able to. And I was perfectly fine with it. I, instead, worked on things that I thought were down my alley. But the Jane of all trades had a problem. Well - a few... 1. I'm also a perfectionist. If I don't know exactly what I'm suppose to be doing, exactly how I'm suppose to be doing it, and generally have check points to make sure I'm on the right track - I'm usually going to be hesitant and not to thrilled. 2. Because I wanted to be good at everything - I really turned out to not be much good in anything. (Again - assisted by the "if I can't do it perfectly, what's the point?") SO - all that to say. My girlfriend challenged me. In the weirdest - most ridiculous way ever. I don't even think she realized it. She used two words that threw in to sharp realization the fact that I didn't really believe what I thought I did. "Why not?" I'm not being dramatic. My heart skipped several beats making it feel like someone had pin-pointed a spray of machine gun fire directly into my chest. I couldn't breathe. It was the most ridiculous thing ever! Here I am - a self-declared "Jane" and at the same time saying I can't do something so simple as hold a pen loosely and imagine curly q's. "Some people just aren't creative - and that's ok! I'm one of those people." I told her. "Well why can't you be?" Honestly - I was scared. And I don't mean "oh my gosh" scared. I mean failure scared. OVER PENMANSHIP! But I realized - I wasn't really scared of trying a new style of writing. I've done calligraphy for a few years - I'm not amazing and I have to have the book in front of me, but I'm not incompetent. I was scared of failing. Of finding out that instead of just being ok with the fact that I'm not creative in and of myself (I can go off inspiration) that I actually can't be creative. That I'm physically and mentally incapable of being creative on my own. I don't know what I'll do with all of this. Probably nothing. It's penmanship and I really don't care that much. But I need to make sure that this kind of fear doesn't cripple me in other areas of my life like I know it has in the past. It brought to mind one of my all-time favorite poems:

"Our Deepest Fear"
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson

:) Ya - I really like that. What if we didn't let anything hold us back? Especially ourselves. What if every time we tore ourself down with a "I can't" we took a moment to realize "You know, if I really wanted to - I could."? And what if we wanted it enough to do it - and enough to succeed. That's the kind of person I want to be. Not held back for fear of "not being able to do it" but someone who cares enough to give it a try. This goes so much farther than penmanship. This is a lifestyle. We weren't put here to be content. May I not be complacent. May I allow myself to try - really try to make my own curly q's.

A Woman's Prayer

Lord please grant me...
...the willingness of Mary of Nazareth
...the obedience of Ruth
...the devotion of Esther
...the faith of Jephthah's daughter*
...the serving spirit of Martha
...the listening ear of Mary
...the hospitality of Lydia
...the faithfulness of Lois and Eunice
...the leadership of Deborah
...the trust of Hannah
...the searching heart of the Queen of Sheba
...the boldness of Priscilla
...the humility of Abigail

I found this prayer a year or two ago. I really loved it, but was worried about praying/posting it. In words as only my mother can put them, this seemed like a "pray and duck!" prayer. :) Something you want - but then again, as the famous adage goes "God won't just give it to you - He'll give you a situation to practice in." The worry came from the fact that there's an extreme amount of control we have to give up in order for us to allow God to work like this in our lives. We must let go completely. It's like this video by the Skit Guys - take a look.

The Chisel

I guess I'm just being reminded, like the man in the skit, that we don't get breaks from life. As long as you live, you're learning and you're going to come into contact with opposing sides of life. It's going to be hard. And there is no break. But through it all - God is good, He is with you, and He is doing what's best. He is there for us. Our strong tower. Our shelter. Our safe place. But that doesn't make us immune from life. I don't care if you're in the lowest rut or the highest mountain top of your life. He's there, He's working, and He loves you. Stuff like this is just an encouraging reminder to me that we are fighting a winning battle. We are doing what's right even though it is hard. May we never forget that. May we give Him all control. May we never hinder God. May we never tire of doing what's right.

*sidenote: I just finished reading Who Has Your Heart? and added the part about Jephthah's daughter to the prayer. She has an amazing testimony! It can be found in Judges 11, for those interested. I highly encourage reading her story and, for girls, the book. :) God bless!

Thoughts on Turning 20...

Ha. What can I say? Though it's something I've dreamed about my entire childhood, I was/am panicked about actually having reached the amazing "20." It was this huge milestone in my head for several shallow reasons:

1. I'm no longer a teenager (weird!)


2. It's my golden birthday (For those of you who don't know what that it, it's the year you turn the same age as the date of your birth. I remember as a child thinking that I would never turn 20! And that since it was my golden birthday - of course everything I got would be made of gold! - ok... that last one's a stretch, but it came from the idealistic mind of a child.)


3. Basically 1/4 of my life is now gone...

But also for some not so shallow reasons. I had always imagined being...let's just say "a little more well on my way" into life by this point. More put together. I always thought that "Oh! my gosh! 20! I'll be an adult and super responsible and spiritual and all this other awesome stuff" that my child-like mind thought of my "big sister", Kris, when I was 9 and she was in her 20s. She was, and still is, my role model. She's kind, and loving, and godly, and successful. Independent, yet not proud. Everything I dream(ed) of one day becoming.

Turning 20 caught me off guard. Because, while I had an idea of what I wanted to be like, I still don't feel prepared. I feel like a child - with an "adult's" number. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or what I'm suppose to be doing or how to go about figuring either of the two out. To an extent, I feel like a disappointment to myself, but I'm not even sure why. I don't feel like I am where I should be (such as in accomplishments, maybe?). Ha! For crying out loud - I can't even handle turning 20 rationally how on earth am I suppose to handle life!? One of my best friends had to sit by and listen to me be hysterical (well- they didn't have to - they just did cause they're awesome like that) for a half hour about being 20! (Btw- Thanks for being there for me! You are an amazing blessing that I am constantly thanking God for!) Really? It's just a number, after all, isn't it? Nineteen passed like nothing. It was a completely normal day. In fact - had people not wished me "Happy Birthday" I wouldn't have even remembered.

I just don't know. It seems like another one of those things. It's gonna take me, if I don't take it, so I might as well die trying. Lol. Wow. No - I'm not melodramatic at ALL!! I know nothing's really going to change. But maybe that's the point? Shouldn't something change? Shouldn't I be better somehow? Maybe my problem is that I'm expecting some sort of a "click" or physically jolting gear change. I'm expecting to wake up in a perfectly decorated dorm room with a coherent and tasteful style and a personality and life style to match. Ha. Ya - I know. But give me a break! I've had (although the best of my semester so far) a very stressful week, topped with 4 tests and a 10 hour double shift today. Anyway. Obviously THAT'S not gonna happen.

*I really wanna go to Barnes and Nobel* Sorry - that was random...

I don't know... Maybe this whole "being 20" thing won't be so bad after all... I mean - when I really think about it (with what little rational thought I have left), everything I'm freaking out about is entirely worldly. "I'm not living up to what I believe the world expects of me." But didn't I just say that I wanted to emulate someone because she was godly? Yes, she's successful - cause she worked her tail off! But when it boils down to it, it's because she's godly. So when it comes to me, I have to ask myself "Is being godly what I really want?" It seems like such a "duh!" question. But when you think of it, is giving up everything else in order to be godly - to emulate Jesus Christ (not Kris - no matter how awesome she is) - what you really want? What I really want? Or am I just going for the success, the security, the approval? Am I willing to give up what I believe others expect of me- and not just that - but in essence go in the complete opposite direction!? To radically follow Christ? Is that - beyond the shadow of a doubt - without reservation - what I really want? In essence - "Am I willing to give up my life - the only one I have and will ever have - go completely against "the norm" to become what I say I want?" Or am I just lying to myself? Am I saying that's what I want, but settling for less because it's easy, comfortable, and any myriad of other cop out comforts? I hope - I pray I could say that I'm not lying when I say I want to be godly. But isn't our lifestyle the reflection of our truest heart? And if it is - what does it say? As good as intentions are - in this case - it's not the thought that counts. I guess I am kinda asking myself this: "Am I willing to be a failure for Christ?" Huh. We always talk about being "strong for Christ" or whatever. But maybe this is where his whole backward thinking thing comes in. "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. " - Mt 10:39. I honestly don't know. I know - horrible, right? I know I want to be everything God wants for me to be. But I also have a pretty good general idea of what that means. And in my translation - it means not just "failing" but intentionally failing... That's so wrong on so many levels in my mind that I don't even know where to start! So once more the question rings out and the ultimatum is given: "What do you want?" See - here's the funny thing - not answering, is an answer. It's a "no." You can't "not know" on this. You HAVE to decide. And maybe "radical" isn't what we need to work on... One of my favorite quotes is by Anton Chekhov. He says this: "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out."

Ok - this is way to much thinking for me this late at night. I hope you are all doing well and that this has in some way, shape, or form challenged you as much as it has me. God bless. G'night.

Lessons from Mario Kart (among other things)

Sometimes life comes at you all at once. Welcome to humanity. What makes or breaks this experience - at least in my present situation - is focus.
I was at a mentor's house playing Mario Kart Wii with her oldest daughter. One of the "ammo" things you can use against another player is an ink dude. This ink dude splats ink all over the screen so you can only see a few spaces of track. The ink always covers your direct line of vision. Basically put - you can't see where you're going. You can't see straight ahead. You can't see where you are. After getting this version of ammunition used against me several times I noticed something. If I would stop worrying about what the ink covered up, and instead focus on what I could see, I could navigate almost as easily as if the ink weren't there based on my surroundings and distant vision. (Ok - not my standard of vocabulary -I'm sick and headed to bed, but I wanted to post this lest I forget.) Fast forward to this morning in church. We were talking about humility and having your own plans for your life. "Is God opposed to me because of me? Am I too pleased, too happy, too content, too enamored with myself?" Twisted, this became a challenge for me. Was I too busy with my own agenda that I missed the big picture in the first place?
Refocusing:
Everything that has been going on in my life since the beginning Christmas break seems to boil down to this one minute. This one recollection. This one settlement. I've been going haywire. But why? It's because I got distracted. My focus was off. I was working my agenda. I wanted to be there for so-and-so. I wanted to be a role model. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be wanted. Looking back, is it something I prayed about? Yes. Is it something God will use no matter how it started? Yes. Did I do anything bad (other than waste time)? No. But now that my focus is back I see that He gave me headliners that I didn't need to be worrying about certain things. But I was determined. I wanted to settle things when I never needed to settle them. "No" was "no." Why didn't I leave it there? Does it matter if I do or don't want it if I've obviously been told "no"? Now, with my focus once again where it should be, I see - no. No, it doesn't matter what I think. I didn't know what to think because I didn't need to. "No" was clear and unwavering. My opinion doesn't matter. And you know what? I'm ok with that.
So - thank you, Mario and mythical ink dude for helping me get my focus straight. It's nice to be back. :)

Two-faced

"Remember - your goal is to run whole-heartedly after God and let Him take care of the rest." I smiled as my mom gave this closing advice. It seemed so simple. And in truth - it is. So why does it seem so complicated? Why is it so difficult?
You know those moments in your life when you have a crossroads and you must choose which way to go? The choices aren't necessarily of a right/wrong, good/bad nature, but what you choose will change your life forever. And you have to make a choice.
I made mine. But sometimes I think back and wonder if it was the right one. The other way looks so much easier now. I've gotten so lost in trying to do something I thought was what I was suppose to do. And now I feel as if I am the biggest hypocrite there ever was. I'm stuck between who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. And worse than not being who I wish- I feel myself receding. Not a year ago, I was one of the most distrusting and reserved people you ever would have met. A loner. Proud. And solid. Unshakable to a fault. In. Out. Done. Walk away. Cold turkey. Don't look back.
Duty. "Duty" - it was my love, my idol, my life. Duty gave me reason to live. I had a duty - and no one could tell me I didn't do my job. I would get the job done if it killed me. I would not falter. Heart was for those who couldn't get the job done. They changed with circumstances and deviated from the mission. They were weak. I would never let that happen to me. I was business all the way. Dependence was not an option. And I put it on myself.
College changed that. Well, honestly, God changed that. He sent some people into my life to shake me. Who straight-up told me that I couldn't live this way. At first I was strong. I managed to ignore them and keep my secure walls. But little by little, God chipped away at my heart. I began to question if I was actually right or if there was something to what my friends were saying. Then He broke through. Between my two best friends at the time (the first person I really opened up to and my first real good girl friend) God managed to begin taking down my walls, brick by brick. Praise Him - it wasn't a smash through the walls kind of thing. I think that would have only created more resistance. But gently, He removed brick by single brick. I gained strength in my new found identity. Someone human. Someone fragile. And realizing that this was ok. Someone loved. Finding my identity in Him rather than my "secure walls." Putting my trust in Him. Freedom.
Then it happened. I was faced with a challenge that sent me into a minor blip of distrust. I felt a little overwhelmed. But I wanted to prove I could do it. To myself. I wanted to prove I was different than I use to be to myself and others. I wanted this chance to be used by God and allow him to work through me. I knew I couldn't do it. But I wanted to try. It went well-ish at first. But then I didn't see what I had expected to. I didn't understand what was happening and my minor blip turned into my full fledged seizing of the reigns. I was to be an example. But I wasn't perfect, so I fell back on a face. I was to let God work through me, and instead I tried doing things myself. I became confused and felt myself slowly putting the bricks back in place.
"You knew this would happen," a voice said, "but it's ok- at least you can still rebuild your wall." "At least this time wasn't as bad as before, but have you learned your lesson?" "I forgive you, just come back into safety and we'll put this behind us." At first I fought it. But slowly, I began to gain comfort from the soothing voice. I hadn't hurt from my walls previously. I hadn't known "what I was missing." I was completely content before. Ignorant bliss. Why shouldn't I go back. Maybe the path I chose wasn't right. I've been given a chance to go back. "Ya, you're right. Maybe I do need to be more cautious." *Brick* "I didn't hurt back then." *Brick* "Is feeling this kind of pain and confusion really worth feeling at all?" *Brick* Up and up they went.
The conflict in my chest was terrible! I was begging to fight the rebuilding, but steadily obeying the soothing voice that drove it on. The worst part was realizing that while I was doing this, I was also still portraying myself as fine. I felt the dungeon bars close and the key turn as I realized I was once again in a full-fledged mask. I may not be able to disguise it as well anymore, but "it will come back with practice" like the voice promised.
Honestly I would love to say that I have found a resolution to all this. That everything's back to being fine, I'm free and there's a happy ending. And I could. And with my lips and face I try to say everything's great. But at least in my writing the part of me that is still trying to fight the rebuilding can find some voice. I honestly don't know what is going to happen. So many things could come of this. I know God has a plan. And I know I need to be chasing after Him, but right now, running is one of the last hings I want to be doing. I'm tired. I don't want this to just "go away" this time only to come back again in a few months. I want it to be gone for good. I'm sick of this. I'm done. But right now, I just don't feel the strength to fight.
So, basically, this post is for two things: 1. I want to apologize to everyone who's had to put up with me as I'm trying to figure this out- especially my bestie Liz. and 2. I want to allow some voice to my resistance in hopes that it will help me defeat myself.