Thoughts on Turning 20...

Ha. What can I say? Though it's something I've dreamed about my entire childhood, I was/am panicked about actually having reached the amazing "20." It was this huge milestone in my head for several shallow reasons:

1. I'm no longer a teenager (weird!)


2. It's my golden birthday (For those of you who don't know what that it, it's the year you turn the same age as the date of your birth. I remember as a child thinking that I would never turn 20! And that since it was my golden birthday - of course everything I got would be made of gold! - ok... that last one's a stretch, but it came from the idealistic mind of a child.)


3. Basically 1/4 of my life is now gone...

But also for some not so shallow reasons. I had always imagined being...let's just say "a little more well on my way" into life by this point. More put together. I always thought that "Oh! my gosh! 20! I'll be an adult and super responsible and spiritual and all this other awesome stuff" that my child-like mind thought of my "big sister", Kris, when I was 9 and she was in her 20s. She was, and still is, my role model. She's kind, and loving, and godly, and successful. Independent, yet not proud. Everything I dream(ed) of one day becoming.

Turning 20 caught me off guard. Because, while I had an idea of what I wanted to be like, I still don't feel prepared. I feel like a child - with an "adult's" number. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or what I'm suppose to be doing or how to go about figuring either of the two out. To an extent, I feel like a disappointment to myself, but I'm not even sure why. I don't feel like I am where I should be (such as in accomplishments, maybe?). Ha! For crying out loud - I can't even handle turning 20 rationally how on earth am I suppose to handle life!? One of my best friends had to sit by and listen to me be hysterical (well- they didn't have to - they just did cause they're awesome like that) for a half hour about being 20! (Btw- Thanks for being there for me! You are an amazing blessing that I am constantly thanking God for!) Really? It's just a number, after all, isn't it? Nineteen passed like nothing. It was a completely normal day. In fact - had people not wished me "Happy Birthday" I wouldn't have even remembered.

I just don't know. It seems like another one of those things. It's gonna take me, if I don't take it, so I might as well die trying. Lol. Wow. No - I'm not melodramatic at ALL!! I know nothing's really going to change. But maybe that's the point? Shouldn't something change? Shouldn't I be better somehow? Maybe my problem is that I'm expecting some sort of a "click" or physically jolting gear change. I'm expecting to wake up in a perfectly decorated dorm room with a coherent and tasteful style and a personality and life style to match. Ha. Ya - I know. But give me a break! I've had (although the best of my semester so far) a very stressful week, topped with 4 tests and a 10 hour double shift today. Anyway. Obviously THAT'S not gonna happen.

*I really wanna go to Barnes and Nobel* Sorry - that was random...

I don't know... Maybe this whole "being 20" thing won't be so bad after all... I mean - when I really think about it (with what little rational thought I have left), everything I'm freaking out about is entirely worldly. "I'm not living up to what I believe the world expects of me." But didn't I just say that I wanted to emulate someone because she was godly? Yes, she's successful - cause she worked her tail off! But when it boils down to it, it's because she's godly. So when it comes to me, I have to ask myself "Is being godly what I really want?" It seems like such a "duh!" question. But when you think of it, is giving up everything else in order to be godly - to emulate Jesus Christ (not Kris - no matter how awesome she is) - what you really want? What I really want? Or am I just going for the success, the security, the approval? Am I willing to give up what I believe others expect of me- and not just that - but in essence go in the complete opposite direction!? To radically follow Christ? Is that - beyond the shadow of a doubt - without reservation - what I really want? In essence - "Am I willing to give up my life - the only one I have and will ever have - go completely against "the norm" to become what I say I want?" Or am I just lying to myself? Am I saying that's what I want, but settling for less because it's easy, comfortable, and any myriad of other cop out comforts? I hope - I pray I could say that I'm not lying when I say I want to be godly. But isn't our lifestyle the reflection of our truest heart? And if it is - what does it say? As good as intentions are - in this case - it's not the thought that counts. I guess I am kinda asking myself this: "Am I willing to be a failure for Christ?" Huh. We always talk about being "strong for Christ" or whatever. But maybe this is where his whole backward thinking thing comes in. "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. " - Mt 10:39. I honestly don't know. I know - horrible, right? I know I want to be everything God wants for me to be. But I also have a pretty good general idea of what that means. And in my translation - it means not just "failing" but intentionally failing... That's so wrong on so many levels in my mind that I don't even know where to start! So once more the question rings out and the ultimatum is given: "What do you want?" See - here's the funny thing - not answering, is an answer. It's a "no." You can't "not know" on this. You HAVE to decide. And maybe "radical" isn't what we need to work on... One of my favorite quotes is by Anton Chekhov. He says this: "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out."

Ok - this is way to much thinking for me this late at night. I hope you are all doing well and that this has in some way, shape, or form challenged you as much as it has me. God bless. G'night.