Two-faced

"Remember - your goal is to run whole-heartedly after God and let Him take care of the rest." I smiled as my mom gave this closing advice. It seemed so simple. And in truth - it is. So why does it seem so complicated? Why is it so difficult?
You know those moments in your life when you have a crossroads and you must choose which way to go? The choices aren't necessarily of a right/wrong, good/bad nature, but what you choose will change your life forever. And you have to make a choice.
I made mine. But sometimes I think back and wonder if it was the right one. The other way looks so much easier now. I've gotten so lost in trying to do something I thought was what I was suppose to do. And now I feel as if I am the biggest hypocrite there ever was. I'm stuck between who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. And worse than not being who I wish- I feel myself receding. Not a year ago, I was one of the most distrusting and reserved people you ever would have met. A loner. Proud. And solid. Unshakable to a fault. In. Out. Done. Walk away. Cold turkey. Don't look back.
Duty. "Duty" - it was my love, my idol, my life. Duty gave me reason to live. I had a duty - and no one could tell me I didn't do my job. I would get the job done if it killed me. I would not falter. Heart was for those who couldn't get the job done. They changed with circumstances and deviated from the mission. They were weak. I would never let that happen to me. I was business all the way. Dependence was not an option. And I put it on myself.
College changed that. Well, honestly, God changed that. He sent some people into my life to shake me. Who straight-up told me that I couldn't live this way. At first I was strong. I managed to ignore them and keep my secure walls. But little by little, God chipped away at my heart. I began to question if I was actually right or if there was something to what my friends were saying. Then He broke through. Between my two best friends at the time (the first person I really opened up to and my first real good girl friend) God managed to begin taking down my walls, brick by brick. Praise Him - it wasn't a smash through the walls kind of thing. I think that would have only created more resistance. But gently, He removed brick by single brick. I gained strength in my new found identity. Someone human. Someone fragile. And realizing that this was ok. Someone loved. Finding my identity in Him rather than my "secure walls." Putting my trust in Him. Freedom.
Then it happened. I was faced with a challenge that sent me into a minor blip of distrust. I felt a little overwhelmed. But I wanted to prove I could do it. To myself. I wanted to prove I was different than I use to be to myself and others. I wanted this chance to be used by God and allow him to work through me. I knew I couldn't do it. But I wanted to try. It went well-ish at first. But then I didn't see what I had expected to. I didn't understand what was happening and my minor blip turned into my full fledged seizing of the reigns. I was to be an example. But I wasn't perfect, so I fell back on a face. I was to let God work through me, and instead I tried doing things myself. I became confused and felt myself slowly putting the bricks back in place.
"You knew this would happen," a voice said, "but it's ok- at least you can still rebuild your wall." "At least this time wasn't as bad as before, but have you learned your lesson?" "I forgive you, just come back into safety and we'll put this behind us." At first I fought it. But slowly, I began to gain comfort from the soothing voice. I hadn't hurt from my walls previously. I hadn't known "what I was missing." I was completely content before. Ignorant bliss. Why shouldn't I go back. Maybe the path I chose wasn't right. I've been given a chance to go back. "Ya, you're right. Maybe I do need to be more cautious." *Brick* "I didn't hurt back then." *Brick* "Is feeling this kind of pain and confusion really worth feeling at all?" *Brick* Up and up they went.
The conflict in my chest was terrible! I was begging to fight the rebuilding, but steadily obeying the soothing voice that drove it on. The worst part was realizing that while I was doing this, I was also still portraying myself as fine. I felt the dungeon bars close and the key turn as I realized I was once again in a full-fledged mask. I may not be able to disguise it as well anymore, but "it will come back with practice" like the voice promised.
Honestly I would love to say that I have found a resolution to all this. That everything's back to being fine, I'm free and there's a happy ending. And I could. And with my lips and face I try to say everything's great. But at least in my writing the part of me that is still trying to fight the rebuilding can find some voice. I honestly don't know what is going to happen. So many things could come of this. I know God has a plan. And I know I need to be chasing after Him, but right now, running is one of the last hings I want to be doing. I'm tired. I don't want this to just "go away" this time only to come back again in a few months. I want it to be gone for good. I'm sick of this. I'm done. But right now, I just don't feel the strength to fight.
So, basically, this post is for two things: 1. I want to apologize to everyone who's had to put up with me as I'm trying to figure this out- especially my bestie Liz. and 2. I want to allow some voice to my resistance in hopes that it will help me defeat myself.