"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." - Proverbs 20:5
"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man."- Proverbs 27:19
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23
So, I'm in a semi solemn mood tonight. Not always a good thing. I tend to think too much when I get this way. Obviously, the topic for my pondering this time is man's heart. What a mysterious thing. Can you actually ever know it? ...I don't believe so. And even more - can you actually ever know your own heart? It's a ridiculous thought really. Of course you're suppose to know the reasons behind your own decisions and motives! But sometimes I wonder if we actually do. We're so good at tricking ourselves sometimes. To realize it, you have to pay attention and look for it. "It's a matter of the heart" is a phrase I've heard used a lot recently. It's a pretty common "Jesus-jargon" phrase basically meaning "I don't know, only you can decide if your motives are actually God-glorifying." But can you? You can check yourself, but if not continually checking yourself - you're gonna slip. I've started so many things with the right motives only to get months down the road and realize not only did I no longer have the right motives, but I actually had grown to loathe the very thing I started to glorify God with. So many people have good intentions... but then life happens - and you end up completely forgetting the good intentions, turning it into something required, and eventually realizing that you've now created an entirely avoidable issue.
So how do you tell? How do you keep your heart in check? I said earlier that I didn't think you could really know your heart. Let me clarify - I don't think you can know the heart in its own nature. However, what you can know is how you train it and how you train it is what it will become. I'll share a little about my own experience.
It's a day by day thing. Each day, each moment, each choice- you can go two ways. You can go a way that would be comfortable and easy, or you can go the way that the Lord is calling you to. Even in the simple things. It's not always the easiest choice. Sometimes I really just want to roll over and hit the snooze one more time, promising God I'll get to Him later that day. This is generally the biggest mistake of my day. I have come to find that, in my personal life, until I wake up and acknowledge God and dedicate the day to Him - I'm going to have a really hard day. It starts right there for me. My eyes open and the first thing I try to think is "G'morning God. :)" Trust me - it's not easy - I am NOT a morning person! But if I don't start my day off right - let's just say it's not pretty. I'm more distant from God throughout the day, I'm shorter with people, and I'm shorter with myself. In this mindset I really can't be all that God has given me the potential to be. It's a lot easier to keep your heart right, if you start it right. (Don't mistake me - I'm not one of those people claiming you HAVE to have your devotion in the morning. I'm just saying that even though I'm probably the most awful morning person you've ever seen, I've learned to swallow that because of how much it helps me keep my heart right throughout the day.) After I've started my day right, it becomes a lot easier to talk to God throughout the day - this continues to keep my heart right. I try to notice Him in the things around me as often as I can (if you haven't read it yet, go find my entry "Untitled" in January '10) and thank Him for His presence. No - I'm not "super godly." This is not something that came naturally to me - it's something I have trained and still am training myself to do. As one of my friends once said "Good habits are painful to learn until they become habits." It's true - rarely if ever are good habits easy or natural. From here, if you continue paying attention, keeping your heart right flows into everything you do and everything you touch. If you are consciously striving to keep your heart right before God, you will realize that the only thing that matters is what He wants you to do - and that becomes all you want to do. It seems trivial, the decisions that result in a right heart, but just like anything else- it's built. Like a wall made of many bricks, the sky made of many stars, or a field with each little blade of grass - they wouldn't be the same without every indiviual detail. In the same way, when it comes down to it, choice by choice - your life and the way you live it is a matter of the heart.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Monuments for Memory
So, it's been a while but that's ok. It's been a while for a good reason. Sometimes you're learning so much that you need to absorb it all before you can get time to actually write it down. That's where I've been.
It's been an amazing month and an amazing ride. Beginning and most obviously, with the start of a new relationship in my life. Ha! Talk about learning! There's so much involved that you can have as much head knowledge as you want, but until you're actually there, you don't realize just how much is involved in it. It's not like in the movies where everything just "works." It is work. But the coolest thing about it is that it's a joyful work. I've loved working at this and figuring it out and I look forward to future lessons. It's a blast of an adventure and God has been faithful in taking care of the relationship so far and honoring our efforts to glorify Him in all we do. (And of course that's not to mention my boyfriend being a huge help and blessing!) I've come to learn so much about God through this adventure. Learning to trust Him gladly with what I myself cannot control (like - another person!), and even beyond that in having drawn closer to Him and asking His input out of honestly caring what He thinks has been huge for me. Learning how to put God first and fully depend on Him and seeing Him handle things and come through has been wonderful. I gladly say that my relationship with God is deeper today than it ever has been in the past - I trust Him more fully and love Him more deeply than I ever have before. This, in large part, is due to lessons I've learned from my dating relationship with Shaun. I now desire God more than ever as I earnestly seek to remain in His will - especially in this.
On top of that adventure I've had everything in my life seem to peak in the last month - school, church, extra-curricular, friends, family - it all came at once! THAT was an adventure too! Less than five and a half hours of sleep a night and lucky for more than four, packed weekends, Sunday wasn't even restful - I was running myself into the ground! God taught me a lot about time management. Hopefully I've learned my lesson for next semester! Lol.
Now I'm embarking on another adventure as I prepare to be a camp counselor this summer with 14 new girls in my cabin for each of the eight weeks of camp. I'm excited and even have a few butterflies, but I'm remembering that my ultimate goal is to be a willing utensil for His service.. I pray that I may keep my eyes open for His signs, for all of the campers I will encounter this summer, as well as the girls I will be serving with. This is a wonderful opportunity and I can't wait to see how God will use it to grow me even more.
This year has truly been a growing experience for me. I've had a ridiculous amount adventures and while I definitely got some bumps and bruises, they've healed. The ride's been a blast and I am truly looking forward to the future with anticipation. :)
I wanted to share some of the verses I have found that have helped me throughout this past year. They are beautiful treasures to me and I hope they will touch you and help you as much as they have me. God Bless! :)
It's important to remember where we came from. This is to help me remember. This is a monument for me to look back on and remember what God has done for me. I hope in some way, these scriptures have encouraged you as they have me.
It's been an amazing month and an amazing ride. Beginning and most obviously, with the start of a new relationship in my life. Ha! Talk about learning! There's so much involved that you can have as much head knowledge as you want, but until you're actually there, you don't realize just how much is involved in it. It's not like in the movies where everything just "works." It is work. But the coolest thing about it is that it's a joyful work. I've loved working at this and figuring it out and I look forward to future lessons. It's a blast of an adventure and God has been faithful in taking care of the relationship so far and honoring our efforts to glorify Him in all we do. (And of course that's not to mention my boyfriend being a huge help and blessing!) I've come to learn so much about God through this adventure. Learning to trust Him gladly with what I myself cannot control (like - another person!), and even beyond that in having drawn closer to Him and asking His input out of honestly caring what He thinks has been huge for me. Learning how to put God first and fully depend on Him and seeing Him handle things and come through has been wonderful. I gladly say that my relationship with God is deeper today than it ever has been in the past - I trust Him more fully and love Him more deeply than I ever have before. This, in large part, is due to lessons I've learned from my dating relationship with Shaun. I now desire God more than ever as I earnestly seek to remain in His will - especially in this.
On top of that adventure I've had everything in my life seem to peak in the last month - school, church, extra-curricular, friends, family - it all came at once! THAT was an adventure too! Less than five and a half hours of sleep a night and lucky for more than four, packed weekends, Sunday wasn't even restful - I was running myself into the ground! God taught me a lot about time management. Hopefully I've learned my lesson for next semester! Lol.
Now I'm embarking on another adventure as I prepare to be a camp counselor this summer with 14 new girls in my cabin for each of the eight weeks of camp. I'm excited and even have a few butterflies, but I'm remembering that my ultimate goal is to be a willing utensil for His service.. I pray that I may keep my eyes open for His signs, for all of the campers I will encounter this summer, as well as the girls I will be serving with. This is a wonderful opportunity and I can't wait to see how God will use it to grow me even more.
This year has truly been a growing experience for me. I've had a ridiculous amount adventures and while I definitely got some bumps and bruises, they've healed. The ride's been a blast and I am truly looking forward to the future with anticipation. :)
I wanted to share some of the verses I have found that have helped me throughout this past year. They are beautiful treasures to me and I hope they will touch you and help you as much as they have me. God Bless! :)
Psalm 90:12 - "So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a
heart of wisdom."*Look for everything you can to see what God would have you take advantage of
for Him.Ezekiel 18:25 - " Yet you say, 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now,
O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not
right?"*We may have our plans, but don't try telling God he's wrong! Lol. I think He made
His point clear here.1 Peter 1:13-16 - "Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in
spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the
revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be
conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the
Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because
it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."*We are called to be set apart. Be a story - not a statistic.
Shine for Him.Ephesians 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that
it may benefit those who listen."*Say what you mean - mean what you say. Be kind and don't
get caught up in the world's games. Sticks and stones may break
bones, but words cut deeper than seen. Don't take advantage of words - you
will be held accountable.1 Timothy 4:12 - "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young,
but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and
in purity."*Going back to being set apart. Don't let others tell you it can't be
done. Know what God calls you to do and go for it with all your heart.1 Corinthians 13: 1-3; 13 - "And now I will show you the most excellent
way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I
am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and
can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the
poos and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain
nothing. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the
greatest of these is love."*I've been so busy this year, but something God has called my attention to
recently is the fact that I can do all I want for Him, but unless I'm doing it
in love, it means nothing. It's really weird to see everything I've tried
over the past several months disintegrate to nothing on the altar realizing that I
was doing it to get it done, not in love. When I remember to serve God's
children in love - it changes the whole outlook to my service. I am so
much more useful to God and I find so much more joy in serving.
It's important to remember where we came from. This is to help me remember. This is a monument for me to look back on and remember what God has done for me. I hope in some way, these scriptures have encouraged you as they have me.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Learning to Receive
Are you one of those "gift" people? You love to give gifts - and in polite honesty, you like receiving them too? Haha. I'm not. Well - not so much anyway. One of the hardest things for me to do is to "indebt" myself to someone. Which at times, is basically what I view a gift as. Unfortunately, this mindset also transferred into my view of God sometimes. I didn't think I deserved such blessing. So even though He wanted to bless me, I would stubbornly refuse to accept it thinking that I didn't deserve it, I couldn't pay Him back, or I would mess it up somehow. I thought if I resisted long enough God would get the picture and leave me alone realizing that I really wasn't worth it.
In Malachi 3:8-10 God is talking to His people about how they have been robbing Him of the financial tithes due Him. In my case, the"tithe" that I have been withholding is myself. For some silly reason, I thought that I knew better than God. "I know what I'm really like..." But I forgot something. Kinda the most important something ever. That's not what He sees. He sees the fact that His Son shed His blood for me. He sees the fact that I've been washed in that blood and now stand with no accusation against me. Why do we hold onto what God has forgiven - and even more - forgotten? Psalm 103:8-14 says: "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Do you see that? God remembers exactly who we are. We are dust. So who are we to tell God "better?" Who am I to tell God what He can and can't give me? I love this verse and have carried it in my book bag ever since I found it: Ezekiel 18:25 "Yet you say. 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now, O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not right?"
Haha. I laugh, but it's more of a sad chuckle when I realize how much it hurts God for me to fight Him so. I've fought, I've kicked, I've screamed - and I've ended up where God would have me anyway. :) Praise God that He doesn't obey our sad, confused little human minds. Praise God that He knows better. Praise God that He knows what we need more than we ourselves do. Don't hold yourself back from God. Let Him shower you with blessings. It's only natural for your Heavenly Father to want to bless you! ("Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" - Mt 7:9-11) God want to bless his children. Going back to Malachi, think about this. God says if you give Him whatever it is you're holding back, "see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." It's a lot more enjoyable that way. And yes - lol - you're gonna end up there anyway. ;)
I'm still learning - but hopefully - I'll be able to remember too.
James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
In Malachi 3:8-10 God is talking to His people about how they have been robbing Him of the financial tithes due Him. In my case, the"tithe" that I have been withholding is myself. For some silly reason, I thought that I knew better than God. "I know what I'm really like..." But I forgot something. Kinda the most important something ever. That's not what He sees. He sees the fact that His Son shed His blood for me. He sees the fact that I've been washed in that blood and now stand with no accusation against me. Why do we hold onto what God has forgiven - and even more - forgotten? Psalm 103:8-14 says: "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Do you see that? God remembers exactly who we are. We are dust. So who are we to tell God "better?" Who am I to tell God what He can and can't give me? I love this verse and have carried it in my book bag ever since I found it: Ezekiel 18:25 "Yet you say. 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now, O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not right?"
Haha. I laugh, but it's more of a sad chuckle when I realize how much it hurts God for me to fight Him so. I've fought, I've kicked, I've screamed - and I've ended up where God would have me anyway. :) Praise God that He doesn't obey our sad, confused little human minds. Praise God that He knows better. Praise God that He knows what we need more than we ourselves do. Don't hold yourself back from God. Let Him shower you with blessings. It's only natural for your Heavenly Father to want to bless you! ("Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" - Mt 7:9-11) God want to bless his children. Going back to Malachi, think about this. God says if you give Him whatever it is you're holding back, "see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." It's a lot more enjoyable that way. And yes - lol - you're gonna end up there anyway. ;)
I'm still learning - but hopefully - I'll be able to remember too.
James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Moments I live for...
Hmmm. Hi! :)
I know that sounds like kinda a weird way to start out a post, but bear with me. You know those moments you live for? Those literal moments of perfect content and peace. Where nothing's necessarily right - but nothing's wrong. The peace and refreshment that engulfs you - the calm before the storm, if you will... Isn't that one of the most stunning times ever? Right before the storm? Everything's perfect - the smell of the future torrent is in the air, but for now - it's not here.
Not yet.
And you embrace the smell.
To me it smells like rain.
For the longest time I had no idea what people meant when they would talk about being able to "smell rain." Until maybe 2 years ago, I thought they were just crazy or I just "didn't have it." No matter. I can smell it now. And I love it. The past few days have been gorgeous. Absolutely impossible to ruin! (Trust me - I've had the flu and I loved them that much!) God is awesome!
I'm not one of those people who stops. Like - really. I've found that the only time I physically cannot multitask is when I am soaking up the sun on the roof of New Women's...kinda. It's too bright to read, but unfortunately, my cell still gets reception. Anywho... point being - God is awesome, yes. But He's awesome specifically in that He gave me the flu. Hehe. I know, I know! I sound crazy! But having the flu forced me to stop. I even tried multitasking! But He knocked me out. I slept for two days together! It was wonderful because I have been running myself into the ground being busy and it's only about to get busier! (If that's even possible!) But God, in His loving wisdom and providence - forced me to recharge before I head back into the thick of it. Over the past few days, I wish I could say that I've dug deeply into my bible study, but I haven't. Instead, I simply basked in knowing my loving Father was there. Holding me. I was reminded of who I was. His Princess. It's really refreshing to take some time and remember who you are. To go out and meet your maker. To walk in His cool, quiet garden. Those are the moments I live for. No matter how crazy life gets, may we not forget who's we are. I'm so thankful that my Lord pulled me aside and reminded me who's I was! Do you need some time to step aside and remember?
So - that's what I've been up to! :D
I know that sounds like kinda a weird way to start out a post, but bear with me. You know those moments you live for? Those literal moments of perfect content and peace. Where nothing's necessarily right - but nothing's wrong. The peace and refreshment that engulfs you - the calm before the storm, if you will... Isn't that one of the most stunning times ever? Right before the storm? Everything's perfect - the smell of the future torrent is in the air, but for now - it's not here.
Not yet.
And you embrace the smell.
To me it smells like rain.
For the longest time I had no idea what people meant when they would talk about being able to "smell rain." Until maybe 2 years ago, I thought they were just crazy or I just "didn't have it." No matter. I can smell it now. And I love it. The past few days have been gorgeous. Absolutely impossible to ruin! (Trust me - I've had the flu and I loved them that much!) God is awesome!
I'm not one of those people who stops. Like - really. I've found that the only time I physically cannot multitask is when I am soaking up the sun on the roof of New Women's...kinda. It's too bright to read, but unfortunately, my cell still gets reception. Anywho... point being - God is awesome, yes. But He's awesome specifically in that He gave me the flu. Hehe. I know, I know! I sound crazy! But having the flu forced me to stop. I even tried multitasking! But He knocked me out. I slept for two days together! It was wonderful because I have been running myself into the ground being busy and it's only about to get busier! (If that's even possible!) But God, in His loving wisdom and providence - forced me to recharge before I head back into the thick of it. Over the past few days, I wish I could say that I've dug deeply into my bible study, but I haven't. Instead, I simply basked in knowing my loving Father was there. Holding me. I was reminded of who I was. His Princess. It's really refreshing to take some time and remember who you are. To go out and meet your maker. To walk in His cool, quiet garden. Those are the moments I live for. No matter how crazy life gets, may we not forget who's we are. I'm so thankful that my Lord pulled me aside and reminded me who's I was! Do you need some time to step aside and remember?
So - that's what I've been up to! :D
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Contradictions of a Jane of All Trades and Perfectionist
First off - I really think half my "problems" would be solved if I stop staying up so dang late! Honestly - it's when I tend to do most of my thinking because it's about the only quiet time you'll ever get. Ok - on to the "story," if you will, of this blog.
I was watching a movie tonight with one of my girlfriends - but that's not the point, that's just the setting. So I'm in her room at 2am when the movie's finally over. Somehow we got onto the topic of penmanship (probably because she was writing) and how gorgeous hers is and how I really hate mine. Now - for the record - her handwriting looks like it cam from a printer during the floral style of Jane Austin. Mine, while cursive, is much more like me. Legible, but plain. Considerate, but blunt. This lead into a discussion on how I didn't have a creative bone in my body.
Rewind: Age 7. I decided that I was not going to be an expert in any one area, I wanted rather, to be a "Jane of all trades" so that I could do whatever came my way. I decided may other things at this age - many of which I have kept, scarily enough. But there is something to be said for resolution.
Ok - back to present day. I don't have a single creative bone in my body. No - REALLY! I can do imitation and general replication for a short period of time after learning. But I have to have something to imitate. Something concrete in front of me that I can see and come back to and compare to. I had come to accept this. That though I've always wanted to be able to draw an elephant (I know... I don't know why - I just always have dreamed of being able to draw a life-like elephant) I never would be able to. And I was perfectly fine with it. I, instead, worked on things that I thought were down my alley. But the Jane of all trades had a problem. Well - a few... 1. I'm also a perfectionist. If I don't know exactly what I'm suppose to be doing, exactly how I'm suppose to be doing it, and generally have check points to make sure I'm on the right track - I'm usually going to be hesitant and not to thrilled. 2. Because I wanted to be good at everything - I really turned out to not be much good in anything. (Again - assisted by the "if I can't do it perfectly, what's the point?") SO - all that to say. My girlfriend challenged me. In the weirdest - most ridiculous way ever. I don't even think she realized it. She used two words that threw in to sharp realization the fact that I didn't really believe what I thought I did. "Why not?" I'm not being dramatic. My heart skipped several beats making it feel like someone had pin-pointed a spray of machine gun fire directly into my chest. I couldn't breathe. It was the most ridiculous thing ever! Here I am - a self-declared "Jane" and at the same time saying I can't do something so simple as hold a pen loosely and imagine curly q's. "Some people just aren't creative - and that's ok! I'm one of those people." I told her. "Well why can't you be?" Honestly - I was scared. And I don't mean "oh my gosh" scared. I mean failure scared. OVER PENMANSHIP! But I realized - I wasn't really scared of trying a new style of writing. I've done calligraphy for a few years - I'm not amazing and I have to have the book in front of me, but I'm not incompetent. I was scared of failing. Of finding out that instead of just being ok with the fact that I'm not creative in and of myself (I can go off inspiration) that I actually can't be creative. That I'm physically and mentally incapable of being creative on my own. I don't know what I'll do with all of this. Probably nothing. It's penmanship and I really don't care that much. But I need to make sure that this kind of fear doesn't cripple me in other areas of my life like I know it has in the past. It brought to mind one of my all-time favorite poems:
:) Ya - I really like that. What if we didn't let anything hold us back? Especially ourselves. What if every time we tore ourself down with a "I can't" we took a moment to realize "You know, if I really wanted to - I could."? And what if we wanted it enough to do it - and enough to succeed. That's the kind of person I want to be. Not held back for fear of "not being able to do it" but someone who cares enough to give it a try. This goes so much farther than penmanship. This is a lifestyle. We weren't put here to be content. May I not be complacent. May I allow myself to try - really try to make my own curly q's.
I was watching a movie tonight with one of my girlfriends - but that's not the point, that's just the setting. So I'm in her room at 2am when the movie's finally over. Somehow we got onto the topic of penmanship (probably because she was writing) and how gorgeous hers is and how I really hate mine. Now - for the record - her handwriting looks like it cam from a printer during the floral style of Jane Austin. Mine, while cursive, is much more like me. Legible, but plain. Considerate, but blunt. This lead into a discussion on how I didn't have a creative bone in my body.
Rewind: Age 7. I decided that I was not going to be an expert in any one area, I wanted rather, to be a "Jane of all trades" so that I could do whatever came my way. I decided may other things at this age - many of which I have kept, scarily enough. But there is something to be said for resolution.
Ok - back to present day. I don't have a single creative bone in my body. No - REALLY! I can do imitation and general replication for a short period of time after learning. But I have to have something to imitate. Something concrete in front of me that I can see and come back to and compare to. I had come to accept this. That though I've always wanted to be able to draw an elephant (I know... I don't know why - I just always have dreamed of being able to draw a life-like elephant) I never would be able to. And I was perfectly fine with it. I, instead, worked on things that I thought were down my alley. But the Jane of all trades had a problem. Well - a few... 1. I'm also a perfectionist. If I don't know exactly what I'm suppose to be doing, exactly how I'm suppose to be doing it, and generally have check points to make sure I'm on the right track - I'm usually going to be hesitant and not to thrilled. 2. Because I wanted to be good at everything - I really turned out to not be much good in anything. (Again - assisted by the "if I can't do it perfectly, what's the point?") SO - all that to say. My girlfriend challenged me. In the weirdest - most ridiculous way ever. I don't even think she realized it. She used two words that threw in to sharp realization the fact that I didn't really believe what I thought I did. "Why not?" I'm not being dramatic. My heart skipped several beats making it feel like someone had pin-pointed a spray of machine gun fire directly into my chest. I couldn't breathe. It was the most ridiculous thing ever! Here I am - a self-declared "Jane" and at the same time saying I can't do something so simple as hold a pen loosely and imagine curly q's. "Some people just aren't creative - and that's ok! I'm one of those people." I told her. "Well why can't you be?" Honestly - I was scared. And I don't mean "oh my gosh" scared. I mean failure scared. OVER PENMANSHIP! But I realized - I wasn't really scared of trying a new style of writing. I've done calligraphy for a few years - I'm not amazing and I have to have the book in front of me, but I'm not incompetent. I was scared of failing. Of finding out that instead of just being ok with the fact that I'm not creative in and of myself (I can go off inspiration) that I actually can't be creative. That I'm physically and mentally incapable of being creative on my own. I don't know what I'll do with all of this. Probably nothing. It's penmanship and I really don't care that much. But I need to make sure that this kind of fear doesn't cripple me in other areas of my life like I know it has in the past. It brought to mind one of my all-time favorite poems:
"Our Deepest Fear"
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
:) Ya - I really like that. What if we didn't let anything hold us back? Especially ourselves. What if every time we tore ourself down with a "I can't" we took a moment to realize "You know, if I really wanted to - I could."? And what if we wanted it enough to do it - and enough to succeed. That's the kind of person I want to be. Not held back for fear of "not being able to do it" but someone who cares enough to give it a try. This goes so much farther than penmanship. This is a lifestyle. We weren't put here to be content. May I not be complacent. May I allow myself to try - really try to make my own curly q's.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A Woman's Prayer
Lord please grant me...
...the willingness of Mary of Nazareth
...the obedience of Ruth
...the devotion of Esther
...the faith of Jephthah's daughter*
...the serving spirit of Martha
...the listening ear of Mary
...the hospitality of Lydia
...the faithfulness of Lois and Eunice
...the leadership of Deborah
...the trust of Hannah
...the searching heart of the Queen of Sheba
...the boldness of Priscilla
...the humility of Abigail
I found this prayer a year or two ago. I really loved it, but was worried about praying/posting it. In words as only my mother can put them, this seemed like a "pray and duck!" prayer. :) Something you want - but then again, as the famous adage goes "God won't just give it to you - He'll give you a situation to practice in." The worry came from the fact that there's an extreme amount of control we have to give up in order for us to allow God to work like this in our lives. We must let go completely. It's like this video by the Skit Guys - take a look.
The Chisel
I guess I'm just being reminded, like the man in the skit, that we don't get breaks from life. As long as you live, you're learning and you're going to come into contact with opposing sides of life. It's going to be hard. And there is no break. But through it all - God is good, He is with you, and He is doing what's best. He is there for us. Our strong tower. Our shelter. Our safe place. But that doesn't make us immune from life. I don't care if you're in the lowest rut or the highest mountain top of your life. He's there, He's working, and He loves you. Stuff like this is just an encouraging reminder to me that we are fighting a winning battle. We are doing what's right even though it is hard. May we never forget that. May we give Him all control. May we never hinder God. May we never tire of doing what's right.
*sidenote: I just finished reading Who Has Your Heart? and added the part about Jephthah's daughter to the prayer. She has an amazing testimony! It can be found in Judges 11, for those interested. I highly encourage reading her story and, for girls, the book. :) God bless!
...the willingness of Mary of Nazareth
...the obedience of Ruth
...the devotion of Esther
...the faith of Jephthah's daughter*
...the serving spirit of Martha
...the listening ear of Mary
...the hospitality of Lydia
...the faithfulness of Lois and Eunice
...the leadership of Deborah
...the trust of Hannah
...the searching heart of the Queen of Sheba
...the boldness of Priscilla
...the humility of Abigail
I found this prayer a year or two ago. I really loved it, but was worried about praying/posting it. In words as only my mother can put them, this seemed like a "pray and duck!" prayer. :) Something you want - but then again, as the famous adage goes "God won't just give it to you - He'll give you a situation to practice in." The worry came from the fact that there's an extreme amount of control we have to give up in order for us to allow God to work like this in our lives. We must let go completely. It's like this video by the Skit Guys - take a look.
The Chisel
I guess I'm just being reminded, like the man in the skit, that we don't get breaks from life. As long as you live, you're learning and you're going to come into contact with opposing sides of life. It's going to be hard. And there is no break. But through it all - God is good, He is with you, and He is doing what's best. He is there for us. Our strong tower. Our shelter. Our safe place. But that doesn't make us immune from life. I don't care if you're in the lowest rut or the highest mountain top of your life. He's there, He's working, and He loves you. Stuff like this is just an encouraging reminder to me that we are fighting a winning battle. We are doing what's right even though it is hard. May we never forget that. May we give Him all control. May we never hinder God. May we never tire of doing what's right.
*sidenote: I just finished reading Who Has Your Heart? and added the part about Jephthah's daughter to the prayer. She has an amazing testimony! It can be found in Judges 11, for those interested. I highly encourage reading her story and, for girls, the book. :) God bless!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thoughts on Turning 20...
Ha. What can I say? Though it's something I've dreamed about my entire childhood, I was/am panicked about actually having reached the amazing "20." It was this huge milestone in my head for several shallow reasons:
- I'm no longer a teenager (weird!)
- It's my golden birthday (For those of you who don't know what that it, it's the year you turn the same age as the date of your birth. I remember as a child thinking that I would never turn 20! And that since it was my golden birthday - of course everything I got would be made of gold! - ok... that last one's a stretch, but it came from the idealistic mind of a child.)
- Basically 1/4 of my life is now gone...
But also for some not so shallow reasons. I had always imagined being...let's just say "a little more well on my way" into life by this point. More put together. I always thought that "Oh! my gosh! 20! I'll be an adult and super responsible and spiritual and all this other awesome stuff" that my child-like mind thought of my "big sister", Kris, when I was 9 and she was in her 20s. She was, and still is, my role model. She's kind, and loving, and godly, and successful. Independent, yet not proud. Everything I dream(ed) of one day becoming.
Turning 20 caught me off guard. Because, while I had an idea of what I wanted to be like, I still don't feel prepared. I feel like a child - with an "adult's" number. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or what I'm suppose to be doing or how to go about figuring either of the two out. To an extent, I feel like a disappointment to myself, but I'm not even sure why. I don't feel like I am where I should be (such as in accomplishments, maybe?). Ha! For crying out loud - I can't even handle turning 20 rationally how on earth am I suppose to handle life!? One of my best friends had to sit by and listen to me be hysterical (well- they didn't have to - they just did cause they're awesome like that) for a half hour about being 20! (Btw- Thanks for being there for me! You are an amazing blessing that I am constantly thanking God for!) Really? It's just a number, after all, isn't it? Nineteen passed like nothing. It was a completely normal day. In fact - had people not wished me "Happy Birthday" I wouldn't have even remembered.
I just don't know. It seems like another one of those things. It's gonna take me, if I don't take it, so I might as well die trying. Lol. Wow. No - I'm not melodramatic at ALL!! I know nothing's really going to change. But maybe that's the point? Shouldn't something change? Shouldn't I be better somehow? Maybe my problem is that I'm expecting some sort of a "click" or physically jolting gear change. I'm expecting to wake up in a perfectly decorated dorm room with a coherent and tasteful style and a personality and life style to match. Ha. Ya - I know. But give me a break! I've had (although the best of my semester so far) a very stressful week, topped with 4 tests and a 10 hour double shift today. Anyway. Obviously THAT'S not gonna happen.
*I really wanna go to Barnes and Nobel* Sorry - that was random...
I don't know... Maybe this whole "being 20" thing won't be so bad after all... I mean - when I really think about it (with what little rational thought I have left), everything I'm freaking out about is entirely worldly. "I'm not living up to what I believe the world expects of me." But didn't I just say that I wanted to emulate someone because she was godly? Yes, she's successful - cause she worked her tail off! But when it boils down to it, it's because she's godly. So when it comes to me, I have to ask myself "Is being godly what I really want?" It seems like such a "duh!" question. But when you think of it, is giving up everything else in order to be godly - to emulate Jesus Christ (not Kris - no matter how awesome she is) - what you really want? What I really want? Or am I just going for the success, the security, the approval? Am I willing to give up what I believe others expect of me- and not just that - but in essence go in the complete opposite direction!? To radically follow Christ? Is that - beyond the shadow of a doubt - without reservation - what I really want? In essence - "Am I willing to give up my life - the only one I have and will ever have - go completely against "the norm" to become what I say I want?" Or am I just lying to myself? Am I saying that's what I want, but settling for less because it's easy, comfortable, and any myriad of other cop out comforts? I hope - I pray I could say that I'm not lying when I say I want to be godly. But isn't our lifestyle the reflection of our truest heart? And if it is - what does it say? As good as intentions are - in this case - it's not the thought that counts. I guess I am kinda asking myself this: "Am I willing to be a failure for Christ?" Huh. We always talk about being "strong for Christ" or whatever. But maybe this is where his whole backward thinking thing comes in. "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. " - Mt 10:39. I honestly don't know. I know - horrible, right? I know I want to be everything God wants for me to be. But I also have a pretty good general idea of what that means. And in my translation - it means not just "failing" but intentionally failing... That's so wrong on so many levels in my mind that I don't even know where to start! So once more the question rings out and the ultimatum is given: "What do you want?" See - here's the funny thing - not answering, is an answer. It's a "no." You can't "not know" on this. You HAVE to decide. And maybe "radical" isn't what we need to work on... One of my favorite quotes is by Anton Chekhov. He says this: "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out."
Ok - this is way to much thinking for me this late at night. I hope you are all doing well and that this has in some way, shape, or form challenged you as much as it has me. God bless. G'night.
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