The Contradictions of a Jane of All Trades and Perfectionist

First off - I really think half my "problems" would be solved if I stop staying up so dang late! Honestly - it's when I tend to do most of my thinking because it's about the only quiet time you'll ever get. Ok - on to the "story," if you will, of this blog.
I was watching a movie tonight with one of my girlfriends - but that's not the point, that's just the setting. So I'm in her room at 2am when the movie's finally over. Somehow we got onto the topic of penmanship (probably because she was writing) and how gorgeous hers is and how I really hate mine. Now - for the record - her handwriting looks like it cam from a printer during the floral style of Jane Austin. Mine, while cursive, is much more like me. Legible, but plain. Considerate, but blunt. This lead into a discussion on how I didn't have a creative bone in my body.
Rewind: Age 7. I decided that I was not going to be an expert in any one area, I wanted rather, to be a "Jane of all trades" so that I could do whatever came my way. I decided may other things at this age - many of which I have kept, scarily enough. But there is something to be said for resolution.
Ok - back to present day. I don't have a single creative bone in my body. No - REALLY! I can do imitation and general replication for a short period of time after learning. But I have to have something to imitate. Something concrete in front of me that I can see and come back to and compare to. I had come to accept this. That though I've always wanted to be able to draw an elephant (I know... I don't know why - I just always have dreamed of being able to draw a life-like elephant) I never would be able to. And I was perfectly fine with it. I, instead, worked on things that I thought were down my alley. But the Jane of all trades had a problem. Well - a few... 1. I'm also a perfectionist. If I don't know exactly what I'm suppose to be doing, exactly how I'm suppose to be doing it, and generally have check points to make sure I'm on the right track - I'm usually going to be hesitant and not to thrilled. 2. Because I wanted to be good at everything - I really turned out to not be much good in anything. (Again - assisted by the "if I can't do it perfectly, what's the point?") SO - all that to say. My girlfriend challenged me. In the weirdest - most ridiculous way ever. I don't even think she realized it. She used two words that threw in to sharp realization the fact that I didn't really believe what I thought I did. "Why not?" I'm not being dramatic. My heart skipped several beats making it feel like someone had pin-pointed a spray of machine gun fire directly into my chest. I couldn't breathe. It was the most ridiculous thing ever! Here I am - a self-declared "Jane" and at the same time saying I can't do something so simple as hold a pen loosely and imagine curly q's. "Some people just aren't creative - and that's ok! I'm one of those people." I told her. "Well why can't you be?" Honestly - I was scared. And I don't mean "oh my gosh" scared. I mean failure scared. OVER PENMANSHIP! But I realized - I wasn't really scared of trying a new style of writing. I've done calligraphy for a few years - I'm not amazing and I have to have the book in front of me, but I'm not incompetent. I was scared of failing. Of finding out that instead of just being ok with the fact that I'm not creative in and of myself (I can go off inspiration) that I actually can't be creative. That I'm physically and mentally incapable of being creative on my own. I don't know what I'll do with all of this. Probably nothing. It's penmanship and I really don't care that much. But I need to make sure that this kind of fear doesn't cripple me in other areas of my life like I know it has in the past. It brought to mind one of my all-time favorite poems:

"Our Deepest Fear"
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson

:) Ya - I really like that. What if we didn't let anything hold us back? Especially ourselves. What if every time we tore ourself down with a "I can't" we took a moment to realize "You know, if I really wanted to - I could."? And what if we wanted it enough to do it - and enough to succeed. That's the kind of person I want to be. Not held back for fear of "not being able to do it" but someone who cares enough to give it a try. This goes so much farther than penmanship. This is a lifestyle. We weren't put here to be content. May I not be complacent. May I allow myself to try - really try to make my own curly q's.