Stay in the Castle

While you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking "she has an amazing, wonderful, and godly boyfriend...!" (and you're dead on!) that doesn't mean I wasn't ever single. I, like any girl I imagine, read story after story, account after account, and book after book, anything I could get my hands on to encourage myself that it was worth the wait I was putting myself through. This is one of those stories. It's short and sweet - hits to the core and is a great boost. I'm not "there" yet, but for what I know of both sides (single and not-so-single) - it's DEFINITELY worth the wait! Hope this encourages you as much as it did/does me!
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Once upon a time, there was a princess that lived in a beautiful palace overlooking a simple but worldly village. She lived in the castle with her Father, the King, and a handful of faithful servants. Her Father doted over her, supplying her every need and most all of her wants. Over the years, she blossomed into a beautiful teenage girl, quick-witted, full of laughter, and always obedient – but increasingly lonely
Often, late at night, she would gaze from the window of her room, high in the castle wall, watching the people far away in the streets below. She would lean towards the gaiety, straining, past the sounds of music and laughter to try and pick out the words of the young people. No sad, lonely sounds ever reached her ears, and she began to believe that they must be the happiest people in the kingdom.
“Father?” she asked one evening as they worked together on what he called her preparation. “Do you think that perhaps I might one evening be allowed to attend one of the festivals at the village? Perhaps just for a short time?”
The old, wise King laid aside the Book of Lessons and looked upon his daughter with compassion, and concern. “My child , the village below is a worldly place full of sad people. The sound of merriment that you sometimes hear is their attempt to drown out the emptiness and despair of their lives. It is best that you stay in the castle.”
Though she loved her Father, it was not the answer she wished.
“but Father, how will I ever meet… I mean… someday I would like to… Oh Father, you are so good to me, and I do so love it here, but at times I get so lonely!”
The King sat back in his chair, his eyes suddenly seeing his daughter not as the little girl she would always be to him, but as the young lady she was becoming. He then decided.
“It is time to tell you.”
“Tell me what, Father?”
Standing to his feet, he walked to a window overlooking the countryside to the East. His eyes fastened onto the King’s Highway, a straight road that passed high above the village and led to the castle gate.
“Shortly after you were born, I foresaw The Day when you would need someone special–someone with whom to spend your life. I set out to search; to visit other castles in the Kingdom; to find a prince for you. Not just anyone, but that special someone.”
The King turned to look at his Princess, her eyes full of wonderment.
“I have met him. I know who he is.”
“Oh, Father, where does he live? When do I get to meet him?”
“He lives far away, but not so far. In a castle not unlike this one. He, too, is being prepared as you are–both for the other. Come stand beside me, my child.”
She walked to where her Father stood by the window.
“See there? That’s the King’s highway. When the time is right, and not before, he will come on a white steed. You will know him.”
Then taking her hands into his, he looked into her tear brimmed eyes.
“Princess. Never forget you are a child of the King. You are Royalty. The one being prepared for you is also of Royal Descent. Be patient. Prepare. And stay in the castle.”
She hugged the King, jumping into his arms, happy now and determined to prepare and wait. For many months, at night, she looked out her bedroom window, past the village and its sounds to the Highway above, watching and dreaming of the one who would some day come.
A year passed. Then another. The dream became harder to envision, and the night sounds of laughter and glee from the village below again began working their way slowly into her thoughts. It became harder to concentrate on her preparation; harder to be patient.
One morning while taking her breakfast in the Royal Kitchen, a knock was heard at the back door; the door where deliveries were made from the village below. She waited for one of her Father’s servants to answer, but when none immediately did, she decided to answer it herself.
“Hello,” said the young delivery man as he pulled off his crumbled hat and bowed. (It was an exaggerated bow, very low and lasting, followed by a winsome smile.) She couldn’t help but laugh.
“Delivery for his Royal Highness, the King,” he proclaimed with just the slightest shade of irreverence. “And my, but I must say that he has hired some lovely kitchen help, a great improvement indeed!”
“Why, thank you, but I’m not the kitchen help,” she replied blushing, “I’m the King’s daughter.”
“I had heard he had a daughter. But I was never told how beautiful she was! Do you live here all alone with you Father?”
“For now,” she replied, thinking briefly of the now fading story her Father had told her.
He carried the supplies past her into the kitchen. “You ought to come down to the village some night. The lads would be taken with you! Lots of friends your age and wonderful parties.”
“Tell me about the village.”
For an hour they talked, and talked, and laughed. Every story of the village life seemed so full of humor and excitement! He acted out the stories he told and sang a village favorite, dancing merrily to the tune. She could not remember ever laughing so much, and found herself resenting her Father for not allowing her to take part.
“You must come to the village this very night. The Fall Festival begins, and it is the best of the year.”
She glanced awkwardly at the closed kitchen door. “I don’t believe my Father would allow me to attend.”
“Then sneak out after dark. I will meet you at the bridge this side of the village. You’ll have a great time!”
“Perhaps.” She hesitated. “But I can’t promise.”
“I’ll meet you there,” he said, then shut the door and was gone before she could answer.
That evening, she sat with her Father in the Great Room, he reading aloud from the Book of Lessons, and she pretending to be listening. In reality, she was measuring the diminishing light from the setting sun. The distant music began to loft up from the festival below, her imagination going skyward with it. It took several moments before she realized that her Father had stopped reading.
“You seem far away tonight.”
She straightened her dress nervously, “No, just tired I think. Perhaps I should go to bed early.”
“Darling…”
“Really, Father, I’m fine,” she said, quickly getting to her feet. “Good night,” she said back over her shoulder as she scampered up the stairs.
Two hours later, when it was believed that all in the castle were sleeping, a lithe, young figure stole out the kitchen door and disappeared into the night.
Three months later, a slightly older, but much changed Princess marched into the Great Room to announce to her Father the decision she had made on the previous night. Her midnight visits had increased in frequency since that first visit a life time ago. The village night life was more exciting than she had ever dared imagine. The people, though sometimes cruel, laughed and sang and danced and chased each night into dawn. They were living! Living now! Not just waiting for a dream that might never come true.
The young man that had met her the first night had treated her, well, like royalty! In a hundred ways her made her feel special. Then last night, the greatest of all nights of her life, he had proposed to her. She clutched the ring he had slipped onto her finger tightly in her palm, drawing courage from the pain it produced.
“Father, I have something to tell you.”
He sat in his chair, the Book of Lessons on his lap, its pages freshly stained with his tears. She almost lost her resolve.
“I’ve met a young man. I know I shouldn’t have gone without your permission but… anyway, we are going to be married–right away!”
The King shut the Book and stared out towards the Highway. “I watched you go each night, wishing you back.” Then turning His eyes to her and through her. “This castle has never been a prison. This castle is a decision. I want you to know that if you leave here, things will never be the same again. My love for you will never change, but everything– EVERYTHING– else will.”
She wavered for a moment, but only a moment, her head filled now with the village ideas.
“I know that this is what is right for me. He may not be Royalty, but I love him.” And with that, she left the castle.
She woke with the dawn, not knowing that it was a year to the day since her departure. Her back hurt. “Just part of being in your last month of pregnancy,” the village women had told her. Rising with difficulty, her husband muttered something in his half drunken state. He had come home only hours before and they had argued–again. Oh, well, after the baby was born maybe things would get better.
There was still a house to clean and chores to do. Picking up a worn, straw broom, she walked outside to sweep the front porch. Their house was small. It sat at the edge of town, not far from the bridge where he had waited for her that first night. Her eyes followed the path up to her Father’s Castle. The King had still found little ways to show her that he had not forgotten her; that she had still loved. But what he had said was now true. Nothing was the same.
Her eyes wandered to the East to spend a few minutes watching the sun rise, a simple pleasure that she shared alone each morning. Its rays almost blinded her, distorting the trees and hills beyond. Squinting against its brightness, she returned to the job at hand, first glancing absently up the High Road.
Her heart seemed to stop, gripped as if by a strong hand. The broom quivered in her grasp. Far down the road came a white horse, its rider sitting straight and tall. He seemed to be coming straight out of the sun. The horse quickened its pace as it neared the castle, sensing the excitement of its master. Her heart began to beat again, now loud and in rhythm to the pounding hoofs. He reigned his mount to a stop outside the castle’s front gate. She could not make out his features, but his stance spoke of honor and character. He knocked on the front door, her front door not that long ago. The King stepped out to greet him, and she watched as they conversed; watched as the King spoke with his hands, and then pointed toward the village. Involuntarily, she took a step back into the shadow of the porch.
The noble Prince listened carefully, his strong shoulders sagging in disappointment and sadness. Shaking the King’s hand, and receiving from him a consoling hug, he mounted his horse. He looked toward her village home, his eyes finding hers in the shadows. For a moment they both stared. Then, pointing his mount back toward the sun, he rode away into its brightness.
She felt the hot tears on her arms and hands long before it occurred to her that she was crying. “Nothing,” she thought, “Will ever be the same.”
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NOTE: Story written by Jerry Ross. You can purchase the booklet here at: http://tomorrowsforefathers.com/store/courtship.html

The Treasure (pt1)

The Treasure
Part 1 - The Longing

*Set black*

Narrator: “Deep within all of us lies a longing. It is so deep, we may not even be aware of its existence. We don’t talk about it. We don’t think about it. We can’t really even identify it. But it’s the longing that drives us to no end. Searching high and low, embracing everything, trying to fill the void with anything we can or denying its existence – it’s the longing that was planted within each of us at the very beginning of time.”

*Ease lights into opening scene. It is early morning in a beautiful garden. The tree of the Knowledge of good and Evil is center stage surrounded by other trees, floral shrubby, fawns etc. Running water and birds are heard in the background. Everything is peaceful and Adam and Eve walk on stage hand in hand whispering lover’s sweet nothings. Walking to center stage they pause for a moment, then deciding to take a piece of fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they both eat. Adam, being second to partake, drops the fruit to the ground, releases Eve’s hand and both briskly walk cautiously off stage as if afraid to be seen. Fade to black.*

* Warm lighting rises on the garden at evening time. Garden is off center of stage and there is now a cave opening bottom stage right. Adam and Eve both walk on stage clothed in fig leaves. Disinterested and making no lover’s revelry in each other they sit down next to a bush stage left.*

Eve: *sadly* “I don’t understand.”
Adam: “We did the one thing He told us not to do, Eve. What don’t you understand?”
Eve: “Well what are we going to do?”
Adam: “I don’t know yet.”
God: *off stage* “Adam? Eve?”
Adam: “Quick!”

*Adam grabs Eve’s hand and runs toward cave bottom stage right*

God: “Where are you?”

*God walks on stage and, seeing Adam and Eve in the cave, approaches them*

Adam: “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid.”
God: *with confusion* “Who told you you were naked?” *face becomes that of realization*

*Fade to black*

Narrator: “And so it began. In that one act, the longing that would haunt humanity the rest of history was birthed. As time moved on, the longing grew more and more acute. Nations crumbled as brother turned against brother - the void within man growing larger with each object meant to satisfy it. The longing was pressed farther and farther into the recesses of man’s thought in attempts to survive. Dejected, desolate, and dying – humanity continued spiraling in an attempt to grasp the one thing that could restore them to their original standing. The one thing that could fill the longing they tried everything to fill. And yet a sliver of hope pierced the dismal landscape: a promise of redemption - a chance of restoration. Humanity stood. Fearful to hope for this promised deliverance. Eager for its arrival. Waiting.”

Happy is...

...sunshine waking you up
...butterflies
...mountains
...bubble baths
...closing your eyes, traveling to the opening scene of "The Sound of Music," and dancing in the field with Maria
...reading the Bible and losing track of time
...listening to the leaves fall and chatter as they race across the ground
...going barefoot in a field
...a walk on a dirt path through a green forest infused with light
...a sunset view from the mountains
...water lapping, flowing, running, and rushing all other thoughts from your mind
...wooden bridges and botanical gardens
...the smell of evergreens
...the warmth of the sunshine seeping through your clothes and caressing your skin
...the sound of the wind
...nature - clouds, trees, plants, flowers, cliffs
...sky above and road below
...lying on your back under the black velvet sky watching diamonds fly
...weather that's just a little too cool for a tshirt
...bazaars, festivals, and fairs
...the change of seasons
...crickets chirping and fireflies dancing
...open windows with laughter floating in
...windows down and music blaring
...a lyric, quote, or thought that embodies the moment in life perfectly
...torrents of rain on the window pane and a blanket
...a book by the fire
...that sparkle in your eye
...fabrics of all kinds
...a cross stitch
...the smell of new books
...laughter
...the hallmark store
...a library
...paisley
...seeing you happy
...a day with my best friend
...inside joys (rather than "jokes")
...trying on formal gowns
...pictures
...starbucks
...piano music
...time
...love
...talking til 1am
...just being with you
...sharing your joy
...dress up
...fun socks
...taking time to be a child and play with dolls
...slippers and pjs
...knowing I can - and I don't have to
...hitting snooze and curling back up with snoopy
...pillows
...trusting God when I don't know
...seeing someone let a man or woman in uniform go first
...dark chocolate
...a new bath product
...a new nail polish
...a new hair cut
...scarves
...hats
...jackets and coats
...innocence
...a child at a park
...a random call to/from grandparents
...a nap
...a clean room and clean laundry
...being surprised
...sitting alone in a sanctuary with stained glass windows
...visiting historical sights
...early morning on a lake
...a crisp night in a tent
...Easter morning
...candy corn and hayrides
...Christmas eve
...Christmas lights
...4th of July
...accomplishing something with pride
...a perfect shot - golf or handgun
...living

and so much more.

You Are Loved

It's one of the hottest debated topics today. It's touchy. It's difficult. It's abortion.

I'm not going to preach. I'm not going to point a finger. I'm not going to condemn.

No - I don't believe in abortion. But neither do I believe in condemning someone who's seeking forgiveness for their past and hope for their future.

I wasn't seeking this topic, it just kinda ran across my path when I was looking at a blog and found this video:



I guess I just wanted to say this:
To the children who never got to see the world- you are loved!
And to the men and women who have experienced an abortion- you are loved!

A Whole New World

"Tell me, Princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?"

I honestly can't remember...

But now. Today. Here. Where I am. This is what my heart has decided. And I might as well be flying on a magic carpet for the freedom I feel! The best part is that my heart and God's will are combining. And only with that can I feel true freedom as I do.

"Is this how normal people feel?" I asked one of my close girlfriends. She laughed and replied "Normal-abnormal is the only normal."

I kinda love her.

I kinda love life.

And if I'd stop stressing about it long enough - right now - it'd be just about perfect. :)

It doesn't make sense. I can't figure it out. And I am SO ok with that.

I was once told that I was a walking contradiction. I kinda internalized that and made it my mo. I figured, "Well - it's true so I might as well embrace it!" But I took it the wrong way. I took it from the negative standpoint. That the fact that I'm always fighting myself proved that much more what a hypocrite I am. Then something clicked... What if I weren't fighting myself? All this time I had viewed fighting myself as a struggle that "good" people don't deal with. But this mind-shift made me realize something. That logic came of false truth. That logic came from the "fact" that I was good at heart and had this awful flaw to conceal from the world because I'm suppose to be good! Funny thing is... I'm not good at my core. So the fact that I'm fighting myself - the fact that I'm a walking contradiction- maybe that's not such a bad thing after all... In fact, maybe- being a walking contradiction is not only exactly what I should be - but exactly what I want to be. You see - the day I stop fighting myself is the day I lose. Kinda ironic... Kinda God. Haha. :)

"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin." - Romans 7:15-25

Thank you, Paul!

G'night all!

One More Time

Funny how things coincide at the "randomest" times... ;)

Tonight we began a new series at Wired going through Jonah. Since we just started we haven't gotten to the redemption part yet, but I had to smile with the little stuff that clicked while Matt was speaking. Stuff about how the person running from God was usually the last one to notice while everyone else - including nonbelievers - were wondering why you were taking the stupidest most dangerous path possible...
A little later after that, a really good friend and I hung out and were talking about second chances. So many times we judge on first glance that we don't get to see the essence of a person until we step back and take a second look.
The whole night gave me a HUGE appreciation for second chances! And right as I was about to go to bed I thought back to the origin of second chances (Christ) and Jonah. Then, Veggie Tales popped into my head... For those of you who don't know this about me: 1- I LOVE Veggie Tales! 2- When I get a song stuck in my head, it's there until I listen to it. So I figured instead of dreaming of talking veggies, I'd just listen to the song. :) Then I thought I should share! :) (I know! I'm so nice!) ;)



Praise God that He is a God of second chances! G'night! :)

Dr. Seuss' Map

‎"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."- Dr. Seuss

Why so often, do I go looking for who I am when the answer is just ME? Why do I feel so inadequate that I plan out a journey to discover myself, when I already AM? All too often I get so caught up in discovering who I am as a person that I forget I already AM as a person. I look for adventure and anything to answer part of my question while the very answer I'm seeking travels with me every step I search. I'm so intent on finding the answer that I fail to see - I AM the answer.
I look everywhere! I look in other people's views of me- friends, family, and nobodies alike. I look in the world's standard of a person. I look in author's representations of the "perfect person" or "perfect Christian." I look at magazines, websites, friend networking sites, ANYTHING! So often I feel like I've traveled the world again and again, seeking who it is I am and who I'm suppose to be, all the while I have been and continue to be. All the while, if I'd stop looking and see - I'd get my answer.
Maybe it won't be the answer I want. Maybe it won't look how I'd like. But the answer doesn't have to be stagnate. In fact - if the answer WERE stagnate life would be over. The sheer fact that the answer will grow and change is the very evidence that I am alive!
I've spent my life looking for life - all the while having it and wasting it. Life is as I am. I've spent so much time making sure I took every proper step that I haven't gotten anywhere. I've spent my life breathing and trying to figure out why I can't see oxygen instead of using the fact that - it works!- and running with it.
I've spent my life looking for me instead of being me.
I don't want that anymore. And step by step - I'm going to try to live. To be me. The me I am. And maybe keep in my head a little of Dr. Seuss' advice... "there is no one alive who is youer than you."

This New Life

Something amazing has happened! Something so wonderful I really can't use words to express it. Over these past few weeks - and really even months, I have learned so much. Though often times the lessons were painful they have changed me in a way I wouldn't give up for the world. I haven't been the only one who thought so either, thankfully. :) I've had several people look at me and say "Meagan, something's different..." I'm so glad to know that it is a visible change! I've been gentler, more patient, and even HAPPY! It's wonderful! I'm taking time to just enjoy life and I'm loving it! Haha!
But no change comes without reason. Unfortunately a change for the better means that there is a change FROM the worse. (And while not all changes are for the better if they ARE they're changing from the worse.) Every person has a history as every story has a background. And many aren't proud of their pasts. Despite that, they simultaneously try to hold on to that past. This is the place I was stuck at. I knew that I was forgiven and tried living my life accordingly but for some reason couldn't manage to get myself out of my past and move on. Because of this I've always been wary of anytime I WAS happy because I knew it was only temporary as my guilt and depression would come back after the moment was over. I was so resigned to this fact that I got to the point were I didn't even try to fight it anymore.
When I first noticed this change about three weeks ago I was hesitant at first. But my joy didn't leave and after about the first week and a half I began accepting it - hoping it would last. I began to get use it it - even embracing and desiring it. Another week and a half past and I headed home for the Labor Day weekend when I started realizing that it had been three weeks and started wondering when something was going to give.
I was in church this morning when I realized several things that made me glow with praise to my heavenly Father. I realized that probably one of the greatest contributing factors to this (aside from all the lessons I've learned recently and tried to maintain and apply) was that I had prayed to God to give me a new heart acknowledging that while I knew I was forgiven, I still felt a if I had the same old heart. Second, I had a face to face with Satan. It was as if, in the middle of church, Satan had walked right up to me and said: "I'm sorry, but you need to come back with me. You know everything you've done. You know you're not fit to be here. Just come with me know and there won't be a fuss." And it dawned on me. For the first time - I remembered my request for a new heart and it fell into place. I claimed my association with Christ telling Satan that Christ had "pulled my out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock." I told Satan "I am a new person with a new heart. You no longer have any sway over me. I have a past, but it's not who I am anymore - I'm different - completely different - I'm new. I don't have to go back with you and I don't want to! I have nothing to say to you. If you want me to go back with you - you're going to have to talk to HIM *pointing in Christ's direction* - not me!" Christ walked up behind me at the invitation gently placing His arm protectively around my waist. Satan looked at us. With a twinge of frustration and defeat evident on his face he turned and walked away - silent. I was stuck with the realization that for so long, I had chosen to staying my muck and mire - only God know why! Then again, HE probably didn't even get it - He just waited - patiently, gently wooing me despite my determination to stop my ears to him.
I've decided that "Safe" by Britt Nicole is Jesus' and my song. :)



I use to think that I couldn't have a testimony because I never had the chance to do anything really that bad... I knew I was forgiven, but I didn't know how to go beyond that. I held myself to the mire of my past. But now - now I see that Christ is not only my Lord, but He truly is my Savior as well. He "set my feet upon the rock, and now I know, I love Him, I need Him. Though my world may fall, I'll never let Him go. He's my Savior and my closest friend. I will worship Him until the very end."



I realized over these past few months and am just now able to put it into words: I've spent my whole life chasing dreams that were suppose to give me joy, but they kept escaping me. Now I've come to a place where I've handed over my dreams to God and found a joy I can't escape. Cliche'? Maybe. But does it make it less true if it's said with belief and meaning? Because I'm living proof that the above "cliche'" is true.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. To Him be the glory, and honor, and praise forevermore. Amen.

Walk on the Water - Britt Nicole

Wow. <3

Called to be.... comfortable?!?

If the title didn't make you cringe... politely put - something's wrong with you! But really, that's basically what I've been working on for the past while now. I realized over the summer just how much stock I put in being "safe" and being "comfortable" (even as backward as my versions of those are compared to normal humanity...) when Jesus never called me as His disciple to be either. So often I get caught up in being the "princess daughter" of God that I forget that I am also a disciple. One of the biggest stereotypes of royalty that I know at least I have is that royal persons sit in over sized, velvet plush throne-chairs (to me "throne" just sounds so uncomfortable - so I will call it a "throne-chair") :) and order others about. I tend to forget just all that actually goes in to the privilege of sitting on that lush seat - all the concern standardly implied by that position. To paraphrase Prince Philip from Princess of Thieves, "A King is expected to do something ABOUT them!" (referring to dealing with war, taxes and plague). Well... I'm a princess, right? Then doesn't that mean I should be doing something about the world's condition in the name of my Father, the King, not just sitting around fantasizing about princes and worried about peas...? I think it does!
So often I find myself guilty of focusing on the "peas" of life - my comfort and future security, that I forget the "peasants" in my charge - those who have not heard the gospel and even those who have and need discipleship! The funny thing is - I've noticed that whenever I'm focused on my "peas" - I'm not happy. Ok - so that's not so much funny as it is eye opening...
Maybe... maybe this phenomenon happens, and just maybe this unrest stems, from the fact that I'M NOT SUPPOSE TO BE COMFORTABLE!
If I'm called to be like Jesus - He had no place to lay His head...
If I'm called to be like Jesus - He didn't have a back up plan...
If I'm called to be like Jesus - He had a heart for people not security...
If I'm called to be like Jesus - He went smack into the middle of situations that the "holy people" of His day avoided and were made uncomfortable by...
If I'm called to be like Jesus - (and I am) why don't I look like Him?
This next statement may or may not surprise you, but we are ALL called to INTENSE mission work! We are all called to live our lives - every moment in a RADICAL way. A way SO different from the world and compromise that they look at us and wonder why we're so different. Maybe, for you, this isn't across the globe. I honestly think the harder battle is here. At home. It makes me think back to a book I just finished that basically said "if we can't be Jesus to our families - why should others believe us?" Yikes! I know so many times I put on a "Jesus face" for the world and strip it faster than nail polish remover does varnish when I'm around my family! But that's just it, isn't it? Jesus doesn't call us to wear a "face" - He asks us to have a LIFESTYLE. A lifestyle that follows His example - a PERFECT example. A lifestyle that points people to the King with every action we do. A lifestyle that, perhaps more than we think, isn't easy and isn't meant to be comfortable...
So how are you doing? Are you enjoying your throne-chair? If I can just say one thing - we could sure use the help in the field. I know it's not easy, I KNOW it's not comfortable, but based on His promise - I promise you it's WORTH IT! What do you say we start getting out of our comfort zone and truly wear the name we claim?

Somewhere Between the Altar and the Door

How many times has a second guess been long enough to kill the mission?
Ya, ya, ya - I know... I'll clarify. Ok, how about this:
How many times have I "thought better" and settled because of it. Seeds of doubt are a horrible thing to have to fight because they are in your head- you can't fight them with normal tactics- it's a mind game. The problem that I have continually encountered and seen so many other Christians stumble because of is just that: doubt. There are so many ways to go with this - so many "sermons" I could preach. But that's not what I want to do. I don't even know what I want to say, I just want it to resinate in a way that greatly reduces the victories Satan "wins" because of our doubt.
The account of Peter walking on water comes to my mind. I once heard it pointed out that Peter didn't doubt Jesus when he began sinking - rather he realized exactly what it was he was doing, then realizing that it wasn't physically possible, doubted and began to sink. How many times as Christians do we "get smart" with God and even when we're not 100% sure exactly HOW (and I'm sure that's more often than not), we're suppose to "walk by faith and not by sight" (2Cor5:7). I was confessing doubt to my mentor, explaining to her that I had begun really thinking about what it was I felt God calling me to do and all of a sudden I felt SO inadequate and a bunch of "what if's" rushed me. She countered with "We're all inadequate. Besides, if we were adequate, wouldn't that be pride?" She went on to cover that, of course, there's a difference between having a gift and using it and being adequate. Some things we can do adequately because we are good at them, but that's not all we're called to do. Ultimately, it's God doing the work, anyway, right? So... 1)Why are we worried about being adequate, because 2) God's not going to let something HE wills with HIS name on it fall flat on the ground because He didn't come through. That's just goofy. And sadly, a lot of times, this is what my "reasoning" boils down to. I'm reminded of one of my favorite poems. Here's a snippet, see what you think:

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous, (used by God)?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
...
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us."


-Marianne Williamson *(added by me)

If you call yourself a Christian- you are a child of God. Do you get that?! You! Son/Daughter of GOD! Why then are we so afraid of doubt? Why then do we allow doubt to have such and immobilizing grip on us? We have the power to fight back - to WIN - if we would just take advantage of it! If we truly are who we say we are - why don't we act like it, and maybe, just maybe, show doubt the door.

The Lifetime of a Moment

This is a post, I wrote while at camp this summer, but wasn't able to put on here until now...

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The Lifetime of a Moment

I was walking across campus tonight and noticed that the night sky was unusually bright. It was perfect. For any of you who know me, that’s a HUGE hug from God to me. I love it.

My mind wandered to the girls I’m working with this week. Two of them are unsaved and one has managed to test me in every way possible – and it’s only day one! Day one of week six! It’s incredible to believe how long it’s been, I’ve never been much of a summer girl, so the fact that I’m working through my summer to the effect of basically not having one hasn’t really bothered me. But on week six, it’s finally hitting. I’m realizing that, selfishly, I’d kinda like a break that lasted longer than two days split over three. I look around and I see my fellow workers reading books and carrying on much desperately desired adult conversation while their children play, contentedly enough, a few yards away. My own fleshly desires scream to join them and right when I decide it’s really ok if I “slack” a little (I mean this is a DESERVED slack if anything EVER was!) My sweet little trouble child runs up, tackling me in a hug and voicing yet another complaint. I don’t know whether to smother her in an instinctive embrace or scream because she’s about put me at wit’s end! I struggle with coddling and providing the love she’s crying out for and shooting down her incessant whining. How do I show God’s love while refusing to permit a negative environment? I wish I could just grab a book and tell her to go play. But this is a moment – handed to me on a silver tray. Yes, it’s week six. Yes, if it’s possible I “deserve” a break. But it hits me and I realize: every moment I take for me, I take FROM her. From this precious treasure I’ve been given for the short span of four days spread over five. Every moment I take for me – I steal from her. Time stands still like it does with the literal and actual realization of every moment. Like when you realize right after “I do” that you’re actually married. Like when you see your child’s face for the first time and realize there’s no going back. Like the instant the headlights are all you see and the next moment is black. The realizations that make you catch your breath.

Now, I’m not talking about self-negligence. I’ll be the first to tell you that you can’t help others if you haven’t taken care of yourself. But think about it. The chance to take advantage of every moment and change a life for eternity! WOW! What an opportunity! What an honor! And yet we live our lives waiting for the “moment of a lifetime!” while the lifetime of each moment passes us steadily by. I hug her back and manage some sort of effort at turning her thoughts to positive things using godly reasoning. My flesh rolls its eyes and I am reminded that I am called to walk in the Spirit and not of my own strength. I call on Him and set my book down. I’ve been given the privilege of modeling and presenting the most important thing in the world to these girls and I have less than a week to do it. And I’ve been given the privilege of seeing the lifetime of a moment.

“Do not grow weary in doing what is right for in due time we will reap the reward if we faint not.” ~Gal 6:9

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Two days later, my precious little girl accepted Christ as her personal "boss and rescuer" <3>

What's the Difference?

So... after an amazing summer (I hope to post a blog that I scribbled down during this past summer later) I am glad to say I've learned a lot. As great as that is, the biggest lesson I learned is that if I don't actively apply the lessons I learn, they might as well have never have happened. Duh! Ya - I know. But how many of us live that? It makes sense - it's a head knowledge - but what's the difference? If I actually believe it - what's the difference? How am I any different than anyone else? How are my standards, morals, actions, motives - how is my lifestyle - any different? And what's the point of believing something if it doesn't change who I am?

What's the difference?

I was discussing this with a friend toward the end of the summer posing the question "what's the difference" and they replied with something I hadn't even thought of: "One's a liar."

Huh! So not only am I smudging what God would have me to be when I am suppose to be the light of the world and sharing the truth - I'm flat out LYING if I don't follow "I'm a Christian" with God's desire for my lifestyle. At least they aren't claiming to be something they're not... Ouch! That hit me hard this summer. I was around over 1000 girls this summer who all knew that I am a Christian -and I was made sharply aware of the fact that they were looking at me to see what exactly that meant. The amazing responsibility and opportunity that placed before me was overwhelming in the best of ways. It challenged me to step up my game and live what I claim. It challenged me to be different - truly different - not just in word but in lifestyle. I hope with all that is in me that I am able to rise to the challenge and represent Jesus Christ faithfully. I hope to be different.

By Faith

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” – Hebrews 11:1

We’ve all heard of and know the “Faith Chapter” or “Hall of Faith,” however you choose to refer to it. But I want to take a minute and ask you: “You’ve heard of it, but do you know it? You know it, but do you understand it?” I can’t remember how many times I’ve heard and read this chapter. For encouragement, for whatever, it’s a wonderful passage of scripture. But this morning, as I was doing my devotion (I’m once again going through Hebrews), I began reading determined not to see the same ‘ole same ‘ole. Encouraging whether it’s your first time to read it or your thousandth, I didn’t want to skim it simply because I could practically quote it. I went in looking for something new. Looking for a lesson – something to learn and grow from. Looking for something I hadn’t seen yet. And here is what I saw:
Verse six is probably just as well known a verse as verse one: “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for everyone who would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.” Ok. That’s simple enough. “Without faith it is impossible to please him…” Well unless you have faith, you won’t believe and have no reason to please, so, of course… and it continues into the next part of the verse: “…for everyone who would draw near to God must believe that he exists…” how do you get closer to something you don’t believe exists? Pause. Ok. That’s easy. That’s understandable. As humans, I think we have that part down pat. You believe or you don’t and based on whether or not you believe, you will do different things with your life. You will try to please God or you won’t care. As Christians, we’re covered to this point. Obviously, we believe and, hopefully, that belief would inspire a desire to please the one we believe in. But unfortunately, I think that this is where a lot of us stop. “Ok. There’s a God. I believe in him and I’m going to do my best to please him with my life. But if it’s inconvenient, then, well we’ll see – I’ll just do my best. I mean, he can’t ask for more, right?” And we live our lives. Our “best” consists of: “Thank you for this food and protect my family” and “Shoot! I forgot to read my Bible today! Oh well, I’ll read Psalm 23 and he’ll be happy I read his word, then I can go to bed!” and we never actually live for him. Or maybe – maybe we get the prayer and Bible reading thing down. “Oh ya! I pray first thing after waking up and even through the whole day and don’t forget that hour long devotion/journal session I had this morning! Yep! God got a good deal on me!” But the truth is that even though we’re talking to him, we’re not listening to him. Our Bible reading is just that – reading – and we’re not actually working to apply anything that we might have seen. We’re not actually reading with the intention of finding a lesson, we’re just writing our own little commentary about the Bible and occasionally think, “Huh, that’s really cool,” but forget about it as soon as the journal closes. Or maybe we’ve allowed God to infiltrate our life but we don’t exactly understand what that means. Honestly – I’ve been in all three of those stages. Currently, I’m in the last. Desiring for God to consume my life, but hesitant with the question of “How much do I let him have?” See, the Bible makes it very clear that God’s ways are not our ways. And I can tell you right now that some of the most obvious times that I’ve seen God work in and through me have been when I was doing something so off the wall that I myself would have never contemplated going there. I’m reminded of Paul saying “If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you.” in 2 Corinthians 5:13. See Hebrews 11:6 goes beyond pleasing God and believing in him. It continues: “AND that he rewards those who seek him.” Now stop for a moment. Do you actually believe that God rewards you? I think that a lot of us think “after all I’ve done and he’s already done, I don’t deserve to be rewarded.” And we would be right. But I’m not talking about us. I’m talking about him. See it’s not our call what he does and doesn’t give us. We can certainly ask for certain gifts and we can certainly refuse to use the gifts he gives us, but I want to take this beyond even that.
“Do you believe God has the power to reward you?” Really. Because according to this verse, you must not only believe that he exists, but you must believe that he rewards. And if you believe that he rewards, then why aren’t you looking for them? Why are you content to sit and passively accept what has been given you as enough rather than getting up and seeking out the rewards he has promised? And don’t tell me it’s because you’re humble. That’s manure. God is saying right here, in this itty bitty verse, a key that I think a lot of us, myself included, have missed. Christianity isn’t just about believing in God and living your life so that you’re not in too much trouble with him when you die. Christianity is about believing in a POWERFUL God who not only exists, but permeates every part of our being with himself and overflows us with rewards. I’ve heard so many people ask “Why does God let so and so happen?” Maybe it’s because we refuse to believe he’s powerful enough to use us, so we refuse him access. God REWARDS those who seek him. Faith isn’t just believing in an existence, guys. It’s not even living a different life based on the belief in that existence. It’s living your life based on the belief of a powerful and rewarding existence. So many times we go to an extreme with the people of the Bible. They were “oh so holy” or “no different than us.” How about a happy medium? They were just like us in that they too were human, but they were “oh so holy” in that they didn’t allow their humanity to cripple them. Instead, by faith, they allowed a powerful existence to completely absorb their lives and bring a reward none of them could begin to imagine. Our reward isn’t just heaven. Our reward is here and now if we let it be; if we too, live by faith and allow God to reward us. Fully believing that he not only can – but will. Our reward is living a life of faith that has meaning and influence and even so much more. The heroes of the Bible were people; people who lived by faith and believed in a God powerful enough to reward them. They lived in expectancy of reward and that, dear friends, is what made then exceptional. If we are to please God, we can’t stop at believing he exists. I can believe Santa exists. What is the point in believing in God if we don’t also believe that he is powerful and rewarding? You guys, we have GOT to get this or we cripple ourselves! The phrase “by faith” is used 18 times in the span of 29 verses. I think God thinks it’s important. Please don’t hear me condemning. This is something I’m working on too. But I truly believe that we have got to stop listening to the world and dumbing our God down to its standards. We have got to leave the world behind and live in faith, giving the God we claim room to be powerful – room to be God. I want to close with Hebrews 11: 15-16 – “If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.”
Brothers and sisters in Christ, I beg you, let us live in the knowledge that the God we claim is powerful beyond our imagination and that in that power, he bestows rewards on us who will follow him. Let us live by faith.

Just another day...

Breathe in...breathe out....
It's just another day here. Yet what is "another day?" We take life so carelessly sometimes. When was the last time you slowed down and noticed the things that you walk past a thousand times a day and take for granted?
This past week was really good for me. It was the first steady week of my whole summer. Ironically, it's also been one of the craziest. I've had so many different things going on from kids I work with, to the people I work with; from the girls I counsel, to the people who counsel me; from my friends, to my family, to fighting myself; from working one job, to setting up another; and from my personal life, to school. I don't think there's and angle of me that hasn't been hit HARD this summer. And yet in the craziest moments of it all - I blanked out. I stopped thinking. I got so caught up in the stress that I forgot to remember the simplicity of life. That this is temporal and that I will make it through. Thankfully, that's what good friends are for - giving you a swift kick in the pants. Just pray you listen to them! ;)
So I guess I'm writing this just to remind you what I myself forgot for a while - enjoy life. Because no matter what it throws at you, with God on your side, you will make it through. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers! I'm doing so much better and I'm remembering to notice the little gift from God in each day. God bless!

From the Mouths of Babes

:) I can't do anything but smile.
I've been working at a camp over the past three weeks and have another four before the summer's over. Long story short - it's been hard. About fifteen minutes ago I was so worn - not just mentally and physically, but spiritually. Dealing with hard work situations, lack of personal care, and girls who have hard questions has drained me to the point where, honestly, I have wanted to quit. It has seemed like one thing after another and every time it began to feel like I was getting my head above water the next thing would hit harder than the thing before it. I have felt little encouragement from those around me and haven't been helping myself by staying as firmly in the word as I should. Honestly - the last thing I expected was to get encouragement from the one place that I am all but worn through and literally hanging on by a thread in. After a solid week of children, I find myself spending my "off" time babysitting. Lol - I know. Not exactly relaxing. But they're good kids - they really are. Despite that thought - it's still working after working. But when little Hailey came up to me and asked to show me something, I thought I was going to once more put a smile on my face and nod sweetly - instead, I found myself amazed at the purity of a child's heart. What she wanted to share and shared with me were two songs she had written. Songs she had written for and about God. I found my heart warmed, refreshed, and for the life of me - a much desired ray of sunlight finally breaking through the crust I had felt beginning to surround my heart. And in that moment, I my heart changed from beaten to hopeful. I wanted to share little Hailey's songs with you. I hope the innocence of her sweet love for God touches you as it did me.

Hailey’s Songs


Prayer Song
We are specially and wonderfully made.
He said we are His greatest creations.
Keep me still and hear my prayer.
I call upon You and You hear me.
Keep me still and I will listen to You.
You are all I have and You say I am wonderfully made.
Keep me still and call on me.


God Is
God is, God is, God is,
God is faithful.
He keeps His promises and loves me so.
God is, God is, God is,
God is the Maker.
He made me wonderfully and remarkably made.
He is the King of all and faithful and wonderfully made.
He keeps me up and loves me.

Psalm 8:2 - "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise."

Helpless Hero

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you are able to be nothing more than sheerly frustrated? You can't be indignant and you can't be apathetic. You're just... frustrated.
I have two of these exact situations in the past two days. It's enough to make me scream.
Ok - backing up. Explanation:
Situation 1: My cousin recently came to visit our family for a week. She's been on my heart over the past year especially as we are the same age and in the same stage of life, spreading our wings and trying to figure life out. We have a blast together! The thing that weighs on me is that she is not a Christian. God burdened my heart for her and I have prayed for strength and opportunity to talk to her about it. I was so excited when, as a part of my training for leadership team at my church, I went through an evangelism training. It was perfect for sharing in an already established relationship. I felt ready. She came down Sunday. Since then I have continued to pray and look for opportunity. Last night, I felt "opportunity" got as good as it was going to get and asked her about her Religions class at school. She threw out what little she remembered. Mostly from the other text book in the class - not the Bible - then quickly shut me down explaining that we were "just different." Now, I'm not about to deny this. We couldn't be MORE different. But where was I to go from there? The problem is - we ARE so different. How am I suppose to share something that literally requires her to change every aspect of her life then send her back to the exact same self destructive environment as before and ask her take my word for it? I know that with God all things are possible, but how on earth... I mean WHAT on earth... am I suppose to do? It was so - frustrating.
Situation 2: I love my neighbors beyond words. It's hard to know such sweet people for four years and not love them. And they're right there! Our relationship with them is what America use to be like - what it should be like. We knew them before they even had their two daughters they have now. We watch them so much that they're basically my sisters even though we aren't blood related. I wouldn't hesitate going out of my way for them. Not a second. They weren't "religious" when we first became close. But having children does something to you. It makes you think more to the future - and statistically - more people become "religious" after they have their first child. My neighbors were no different. I had been praying for them ever since we became close, but began in earnest when they found out they were pregnant. I prayed til my heart broke that God would use this baby to bring them to Him. I don't think I was unclear... and I know God didn't make a mistake... but my heart shattered as they came to visit one day all lit up about how they had found a church that morning. "It's even right here in the neighborhood!" she beaming. I was SO happy - until I realized she was speaking of the Mormon Temple on the other side of the subdivision. I quickly informed God of His mistake. I continued praying. To my shame - not as faithfully as before, but still with the same sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and the same wrench in my heart that threatened tears no matter where I was. (And I don't cry in public!) That was three years ago. Today their oldest daughter came over so her mom could have some down time while the dad was gone. Where was he? "Missionary" training. For the second day in a row I shut everything down to try to think through what was going on before I did something unchecked. And I was back at that same - disabling feeling of frustration.
So what is it? What am I to do?
I have the only information that will ever matter. The information they need. The information that will change eternity - good or bad. I am a hero. I have what they can't begin to imagine they need.
And yet here I am - nearly four years into close relationship with both cases - and they still don't get it. They still don't know. They still won't listen. I still can't approach it.
The clock ticks on. It's not waiting for me. It's not waiting for them. It doesn't care. I'm helpless. And time is doing nothing but gaining downhill speed fast.
So I'm frustrated. More aware of it now, but frustrated just the same everyday. I wake up a hero and go to bed hopeless. My cousin sleeps below me in the bunk bed and my neighbors are not a hundred yards across the street.
I believe in the power of prayer. And I'm not going to stop praying. But for now - I just feel like a helpless hero.

Matter of the Heart

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" - Jeremiah 17:9
"The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." - Proverbs 20:5
"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man."- Proverbs 27:19
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

So, I'm in a semi solemn mood tonight. Not always a good thing. I tend to think too much when I get this way. Obviously, the topic for my pondering this time is man's heart. What a mysterious thing. Can you actually ever know it? ...I don't believe so. And even more - can you actually ever know your own heart? It's a ridiculous thought really. Of course you're suppose to know the reasons behind your own decisions and motives! But sometimes I wonder if we actually do. We're so good at tricking ourselves sometimes. To realize it, you have to pay attention and look for it. "It's a matter of the heart" is a phrase I've heard used a lot recently. It's a pretty common "Jesus-jargon" phrase basically meaning "I don't know, only you can decide if your motives are actually God-glorifying." But can you? You can check yourself, but if not continually checking yourself - you're gonna slip. I've started so many things with the right motives only to get months down the road and realize not only did I no longer have the right motives, but I actually had grown to loathe the very thing I started to glorify God with. So many people have good intentions... but then life happens - and you end up completely forgetting the good intentions, turning it into something required, and eventually realizing that you've now created an entirely avoidable issue.
So how do you tell? How do you keep your heart in check? I said earlier that I didn't think you could really know your heart. Let me clarify - I don't think you can know the heart in its own nature. However, what you can know is how you train it and how you train it is what it will become. I'll share a little about my own experience.
It's a day by day thing. Each day, each moment, each choice- you can go two ways. You can go a way that would be comfortable and easy, or you can go the way that the Lord is calling you to. Even in the simple things. It's not always the easiest choice. Sometimes I really just want to roll over and hit the snooze one more time, promising God I'll get to Him later that day. This is generally the biggest mistake of my day. I have come to find that, in my personal life, until I wake up and acknowledge God and dedicate the day to Him - I'm going to have a really hard day. It starts right there for me. My eyes open and the first thing I try to think is "G'morning God. :)" Trust me - it's not easy - I am NOT a morning person! But if I don't start my day off right - let's just say it's not pretty. I'm more distant from God throughout the day, I'm shorter with people, and I'm shorter with myself. In this mindset I really can't be all that God has given me the potential to be. It's a lot easier to keep your heart right, if you start it right. (Don't mistake me - I'm not one of those people claiming you HAVE to have your devotion in the morning. I'm just saying that even though I'm probably the most awful morning person you've ever seen, I've learned to swallow that because of how much it helps me keep my heart right throughout the day.) After I've started my day right, it becomes a lot easier to talk to God throughout the day - this continues to keep my heart right. I try to notice Him in the things around me as often as I can (if you haven't read it yet, go find my entry "Untitled" in January '10) and thank Him for His presence. No - I'm not "super godly." This is not something that came naturally to me - it's something I have trained and still am training myself to do. As one of my friends once said "Good habits are painful to learn until they become habits." It's true - rarely if ever are good habits easy or natural. From here, if you continue paying attention, keeping your heart right flows into everything you do and everything you touch. If you are consciously striving to keep your heart right before God, you will realize that the only thing that matters is what He wants you to do - and that becomes all you want to do. It seems trivial, the decisions that result in a right heart, but just like anything else- it's built. Like a wall made of many bricks, the sky made of many stars, or a field with each little blade of grass - they wouldn't be the same without every indiviual detail. In the same way, when it comes down to it, choice by choice - your life and the way you live it is a matter of the heart.

Monuments for Memory

So, it's been a while but that's ok. It's been a while for a good reason. Sometimes you're learning so much that you need to absorb it all before you can get time to actually write it down. That's where I've been.

It's been an amazing month and an amazing ride. Beginning and most obviously, with the start of a new relationship in my life. Ha! Talk about learning! There's so much involved that you can have as much head knowledge as you want, but until you're actually there, you don't realize just how much is involved in it. It's not like in the movies where everything just "works." It is work. But the coolest thing about it is that it's a joyful work. I've loved working at this and figuring it out and I look forward to future lessons. It's a blast of an adventure and God has been faithful in taking care of the relationship so far and honoring our efforts to glorify Him in all we do. (And of course that's not to mention my boyfriend being a huge help and blessing!) I've come to learn so much about God through this adventure. Learning to trust Him gladly with what I myself cannot control (like - another person!), and even beyond that in having drawn closer to Him and asking His input out of honestly caring what He thinks has been huge for me. Learning how to put God first and fully depend on Him and seeing Him handle things and come through has been wonderful. I gladly say that my relationship with God is deeper today than it ever has been in the past - I trust Him more fully and love Him more deeply than I ever have before. This, in large part, is due to lessons I've learned from my dating relationship with Shaun. I now desire God more than ever as I earnestly seek to remain in His will - especially in this.

On top of that adventure I've had everything in my life seem to peak in the last month - school, church, extra-curricular, friends, family - it all came at once! THAT was an adventure too! Less than five and a half hours of sleep a night and lucky for more than four, packed weekends, Sunday wasn't even restful - I was running myself into the ground! God taught me a lot about time management. Hopefully I've learned my lesson for next semester! Lol.

Now I'm embarking on another adventure as I prepare to be a camp counselor this summer with 14 new girls in my cabin for each of the eight weeks of camp. I'm excited and even have a few butterflies, but I'm remembering that my ultimate goal is to be a willing utensil for His service.. I pray that I may keep my eyes open for His signs, for all of the campers I will encounter this summer, as well as the girls I will be serving with. This is a wonderful opportunity and I can't wait to see how God will use it to grow me even more.

This year has truly been a growing experience for me. I've had a ridiculous amount adventures and while I definitely got some bumps and bruises, they've healed. The ride's been a blast and I am truly looking forward to the future with anticipation. :)

I wanted to share some of the verses I have found that have helped me throughout this past year. They are beautiful treasures to me and I hope they will touch you and help you as much as they have me. God Bless! :)

Psalm 90:12 - "So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a
heart of wisdom."

*Look for everything you can to see what God would have you take advantage of
for Him.

Ezekiel 18:25 - " Yet you say, 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now,
O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not
right?"

*We may have our plans, but don't try telling God he's wrong! Lol. I think He made
His point clear here.

1 Peter 1:13-16 - "Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in
spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the
revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be
conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the
Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; because
it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."

*We are called to be set apart. Be a story - not a statistic.
Shine for Him.

Ephesians 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that
it may benefit those who listen."

*Say what you mean - mean what you say. Be kind and don't
get caught up in the world's games. Sticks and stones may break
bones, but words cut deeper than seen. Don't take advantage of words - you
will be held accountable.

1 Timothy 4:12 - "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young,
but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and
in purity."

*Going back to being set apart. Don't let others tell you it can't be
done. Know what God calls you to do and go for it with all your heart.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3; 13 - "And now I will show you the most excellent
way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I
am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and
can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move
mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the
poos and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain
nothing. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the
greatest of these is love."

*I've been so busy this year, but something God has called my attention to
recently is the fact that I can do all I want for Him, but unless I'm doing it
in love, it means nothing. It's really weird to see everything I've tried
over the past several months disintegrate to nothing on the altar realizing that I
was doing it to get it done, not in love. When I remember to serve God's
children in love - it changes the whole outlook to my service. I am so
much more useful to God and I find so much more joy in serving.

It's important to remember where we came from. This is to help me remember. This is a monument for me to look back on and remember what God has done for me. I hope in some way, these scriptures have encouraged you as they have me.

Learning to Receive

Are you one of those "gift" people? You love to give gifts - and in polite honesty, you like receiving them too? Haha. I'm not. Well - not so much anyway. One of the hardest things for me to do is to "indebt" myself to someone. Which at times, is basically what I view a gift as. Unfortunately, this mindset also transferred into my view of God sometimes. I didn't think I deserved such blessing. So even though He wanted to bless me, I would stubbornly refuse to accept it thinking that I didn't deserve it, I couldn't pay Him back, or I would mess it up somehow. I thought if I resisted long enough God would get the picture and leave me alone realizing that I really wasn't worth it.
In Malachi 3:8-10 God is talking to His people about how they have been robbing Him of the financial tithes due Him. In my case, the"tithe" that I have been withholding is myself. For some silly reason, I thought that I knew better than God. "I know what I'm really like..." But I forgot something. Kinda the most important something ever. That's not what He sees. He sees the fact that His Son shed His blood for me. He sees the fact that I've been washed in that blood and now stand with no accusation against me. Why do we hold onto what God has forgiven - and even more - forgotten? Psalm 103:8-14 says: "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Do you see that? God remembers exactly who we are. We are dust. So who are we to tell God "better?" Who am I to tell God what He can and can't give me? I love this verse and have carried it in my book bag ever since I found it: Ezekiel 18:25 "Yet you say. 'The way of the Lord is not right.' Hear now, O house of Israel! Is My way not right? Is it not your ways that are not right?"
Haha. I laugh, but it's more of a sad chuckle when I realize how much it hurts God for me to fight Him so. I've fought, I've kicked, I've screamed - and I've ended up where God would have me anyway. :) Praise God that He doesn't obey our sad, confused little human minds. Praise God that He knows better. Praise God that He knows what we need more than we ourselves do. Don't hold yourself back from God. Let Him shower you with blessings. It's only natural for your Heavenly Father to want to bless you! ("Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" - Mt 7:9-11) God want to bless his children. Going back to Malachi, think about this. God says if you give Him whatever it is you're holding back, "see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." It's a lot more enjoyable that way. And yes - lol - you're gonna end up there anyway. ;)
I'm still learning - but hopefully - I'll be able to remember too.
James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

Moments I live for...

Hmmm. Hi! :)

I know that sounds like kinda a weird way to start out a post, but bear with me. You know those moments you live for? Those literal moments of perfect content and peace. Where nothing's necessarily right - but nothing's wrong. The peace and refreshment that engulfs you - the calm before the storm, if you will... Isn't that one of the most stunning times ever? Right before the storm? Everything's perfect - the smell of the future torrent is in the air, but for now - it's not here.
Not yet.
And you embrace the smell.
To me it smells like rain.
For the longest time I had no idea what people meant when they would talk about being able to "smell rain." Until maybe 2 years ago, I thought they were just crazy or I just "didn't have it." No matter. I can smell it now. And I love it. The past few days have been gorgeous. Absolutely impossible to ruin! (Trust me - I've had the flu and I loved them that much!) God is awesome!

I'm not one of those people who stops. Like - really. I've found that the only time I physically cannot multitask is when I am soaking up the sun on the roof of New Women's...kinda. It's too bright to read, but unfortunately, my cell still gets reception. Anywho... point being - God is awesome, yes. But He's awesome specifically in that He gave me the flu. Hehe. I know, I know! I sound crazy! But having the flu forced me to stop. I even tried multitasking! But He knocked me out. I slept for two days together! It was wonderful because I have been running myself into the ground being busy and it's only about to get busier! (If that's even possible!) But God, in His loving wisdom and providence - forced me to recharge before I head back into the thick of it. Over the past few days, I wish I could say that I've dug deeply into my bible study, but I haven't. Instead, I simply basked in knowing my loving Father was there. Holding me. I was reminded of who I was. His Princess. It's really refreshing to take some time and remember who you are. To go out and meet your maker. To walk in His cool, quiet garden. Those are the moments I live for. No matter how crazy life gets, may we not forget who's we are. I'm so thankful that my Lord pulled me aside and reminded me who's I was! Do you need some time to step aside and remember?

So - that's what I've been up to! :D

The Contradictions of a Jane of All Trades and Perfectionist

First off - I really think half my "problems" would be solved if I stop staying up so dang late! Honestly - it's when I tend to do most of my thinking because it's about the only quiet time you'll ever get. Ok - on to the "story," if you will, of this blog.
I was watching a movie tonight with one of my girlfriends - but that's not the point, that's just the setting. So I'm in her room at 2am when the movie's finally over. Somehow we got onto the topic of penmanship (probably because she was writing) and how gorgeous hers is and how I really hate mine. Now - for the record - her handwriting looks like it cam from a printer during the floral style of Jane Austin. Mine, while cursive, is much more like me. Legible, but plain. Considerate, but blunt. This lead into a discussion on how I didn't have a creative bone in my body.
Rewind: Age 7. I decided that I was not going to be an expert in any one area, I wanted rather, to be a "Jane of all trades" so that I could do whatever came my way. I decided may other things at this age - many of which I have kept, scarily enough. But there is something to be said for resolution.
Ok - back to present day. I don't have a single creative bone in my body. No - REALLY! I can do imitation and general replication for a short period of time after learning. But I have to have something to imitate. Something concrete in front of me that I can see and come back to and compare to. I had come to accept this. That though I've always wanted to be able to draw an elephant (I know... I don't know why - I just always have dreamed of being able to draw a life-like elephant) I never would be able to. And I was perfectly fine with it. I, instead, worked on things that I thought were down my alley. But the Jane of all trades had a problem. Well - a few... 1. I'm also a perfectionist. If I don't know exactly what I'm suppose to be doing, exactly how I'm suppose to be doing it, and generally have check points to make sure I'm on the right track - I'm usually going to be hesitant and not to thrilled. 2. Because I wanted to be good at everything - I really turned out to not be much good in anything. (Again - assisted by the "if I can't do it perfectly, what's the point?") SO - all that to say. My girlfriend challenged me. In the weirdest - most ridiculous way ever. I don't even think she realized it. She used two words that threw in to sharp realization the fact that I didn't really believe what I thought I did. "Why not?" I'm not being dramatic. My heart skipped several beats making it feel like someone had pin-pointed a spray of machine gun fire directly into my chest. I couldn't breathe. It was the most ridiculous thing ever! Here I am - a self-declared "Jane" and at the same time saying I can't do something so simple as hold a pen loosely and imagine curly q's. "Some people just aren't creative - and that's ok! I'm one of those people." I told her. "Well why can't you be?" Honestly - I was scared. And I don't mean "oh my gosh" scared. I mean failure scared. OVER PENMANSHIP! But I realized - I wasn't really scared of trying a new style of writing. I've done calligraphy for a few years - I'm not amazing and I have to have the book in front of me, but I'm not incompetent. I was scared of failing. Of finding out that instead of just being ok with the fact that I'm not creative in and of myself (I can go off inspiration) that I actually can't be creative. That I'm physically and mentally incapable of being creative on my own. I don't know what I'll do with all of this. Probably nothing. It's penmanship and I really don't care that much. But I need to make sure that this kind of fear doesn't cripple me in other areas of my life like I know it has in the past. It brought to mind one of my all-time favorite poems:

"Our Deepest Fear"
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson

:) Ya - I really like that. What if we didn't let anything hold us back? Especially ourselves. What if every time we tore ourself down with a "I can't" we took a moment to realize "You know, if I really wanted to - I could."? And what if we wanted it enough to do it - and enough to succeed. That's the kind of person I want to be. Not held back for fear of "not being able to do it" but someone who cares enough to give it a try. This goes so much farther than penmanship. This is a lifestyle. We weren't put here to be content. May I not be complacent. May I allow myself to try - really try to make my own curly q's.

A Woman's Prayer

Lord please grant me...
...the willingness of Mary of Nazareth
...the obedience of Ruth
...the devotion of Esther
...the faith of Jephthah's daughter*
...the serving spirit of Martha
...the listening ear of Mary
...the hospitality of Lydia
...the faithfulness of Lois and Eunice
...the leadership of Deborah
...the trust of Hannah
...the searching heart of the Queen of Sheba
...the boldness of Priscilla
...the humility of Abigail

I found this prayer a year or two ago. I really loved it, but was worried about praying/posting it. In words as only my mother can put them, this seemed like a "pray and duck!" prayer. :) Something you want - but then again, as the famous adage goes "God won't just give it to you - He'll give you a situation to practice in." The worry came from the fact that there's an extreme amount of control we have to give up in order for us to allow God to work like this in our lives. We must let go completely. It's like this video by the Skit Guys - take a look.

The Chisel

I guess I'm just being reminded, like the man in the skit, that we don't get breaks from life. As long as you live, you're learning and you're going to come into contact with opposing sides of life. It's going to be hard. And there is no break. But through it all - God is good, He is with you, and He is doing what's best. He is there for us. Our strong tower. Our shelter. Our safe place. But that doesn't make us immune from life. I don't care if you're in the lowest rut or the highest mountain top of your life. He's there, He's working, and He loves you. Stuff like this is just an encouraging reminder to me that we are fighting a winning battle. We are doing what's right even though it is hard. May we never forget that. May we give Him all control. May we never hinder God. May we never tire of doing what's right.

*sidenote: I just finished reading Who Has Your Heart? and added the part about Jephthah's daughter to the prayer. She has an amazing testimony! It can be found in Judges 11, for those interested. I highly encourage reading her story and, for girls, the book. :) God bless!

Thoughts on Turning 20...

Ha. What can I say? Though it's something I've dreamed about my entire childhood, I was/am panicked about actually having reached the amazing "20." It was this huge milestone in my head for several shallow reasons:

1. I'm no longer a teenager (weird!)


2. It's my golden birthday (For those of you who don't know what that it, it's the year you turn the same age as the date of your birth. I remember as a child thinking that I would never turn 20! And that since it was my golden birthday - of course everything I got would be made of gold! - ok... that last one's a stretch, but it came from the idealistic mind of a child.)


3. Basically 1/4 of my life is now gone...

But also for some not so shallow reasons. I had always imagined being...let's just say "a little more well on my way" into life by this point. More put together. I always thought that "Oh! my gosh! 20! I'll be an adult and super responsible and spiritual and all this other awesome stuff" that my child-like mind thought of my "big sister", Kris, when I was 9 and she was in her 20s. She was, and still is, my role model. She's kind, and loving, and godly, and successful. Independent, yet not proud. Everything I dream(ed) of one day becoming.

Turning 20 caught me off guard. Because, while I had an idea of what I wanted to be like, I still don't feel prepared. I feel like a child - with an "adult's" number. I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or what I'm suppose to be doing or how to go about figuring either of the two out. To an extent, I feel like a disappointment to myself, but I'm not even sure why. I don't feel like I am where I should be (such as in accomplishments, maybe?). Ha! For crying out loud - I can't even handle turning 20 rationally how on earth am I suppose to handle life!? One of my best friends had to sit by and listen to me be hysterical (well- they didn't have to - they just did cause they're awesome like that) for a half hour about being 20! (Btw- Thanks for being there for me! You are an amazing blessing that I am constantly thanking God for!) Really? It's just a number, after all, isn't it? Nineteen passed like nothing. It was a completely normal day. In fact - had people not wished me "Happy Birthday" I wouldn't have even remembered.

I just don't know. It seems like another one of those things. It's gonna take me, if I don't take it, so I might as well die trying. Lol. Wow. No - I'm not melodramatic at ALL!! I know nothing's really going to change. But maybe that's the point? Shouldn't something change? Shouldn't I be better somehow? Maybe my problem is that I'm expecting some sort of a "click" or physically jolting gear change. I'm expecting to wake up in a perfectly decorated dorm room with a coherent and tasteful style and a personality and life style to match. Ha. Ya - I know. But give me a break! I've had (although the best of my semester so far) a very stressful week, topped with 4 tests and a 10 hour double shift today. Anyway. Obviously THAT'S not gonna happen.

*I really wanna go to Barnes and Nobel* Sorry - that was random...

I don't know... Maybe this whole "being 20" thing won't be so bad after all... I mean - when I really think about it (with what little rational thought I have left), everything I'm freaking out about is entirely worldly. "I'm not living up to what I believe the world expects of me." But didn't I just say that I wanted to emulate someone because she was godly? Yes, she's successful - cause she worked her tail off! But when it boils down to it, it's because she's godly. So when it comes to me, I have to ask myself "Is being godly what I really want?" It seems like such a "duh!" question. But when you think of it, is giving up everything else in order to be godly - to emulate Jesus Christ (not Kris - no matter how awesome she is) - what you really want? What I really want? Or am I just going for the success, the security, the approval? Am I willing to give up what I believe others expect of me- and not just that - but in essence go in the complete opposite direction!? To radically follow Christ? Is that - beyond the shadow of a doubt - without reservation - what I really want? In essence - "Am I willing to give up my life - the only one I have and will ever have - go completely against "the norm" to become what I say I want?" Or am I just lying to myself? Am I saying that's what I want, but settling for less because it's easy, comfortable, and any myriad of other cop out comforts? I hope - I pray I could say that I'm not lying when I say I want to be godly. But isn't our lifestyle the reflection of our truest heart? And if it is - what does it say? As good as intentions are - in this case - it's not the thought that counts. I guess I am kinda asking myself this: "Am I willing to be a failure for Christ?" Huh. We always talk about being "strong for Christ" or whatever. But maybe this is where his whole backward thinking thing comes in. "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. " - Mt 10:39. I honestly don't know. I know - horrible, right? I know I want to be everything God wants for me to be. But I also have a pretty good general idea of what that means. And in my translation - it means not just "failing" but intentionally failing... That's so wrong on so many levels in my mind that I don't even know where to start! So once more the question rings out and the ultimatum is given: "What do you want?" See - here's the funny thing - not answering, is an answer. It's a "no." You can't "not know" on this. You HAVE to decide. And maybe "radical" isn't what we need to work on... One of my favorite quotes is by Anton Chekhov. He says this: "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out."

Ok - this is way to much thinking for me this late at night. I hope you are all doing well and that this has in some way, shape, or form challenged you as much as it has me. God bless. G'night.

Lessons from Mario Kart (among other things)

Sometimes life comes at you all at once. Welcome to humanity. What makes or breaks this experience - at least in my present situation - is focus.
I was at a mentor's house playing Mario Kart Wii with her oldest daughter. One of the "ammo" things you can use against another player is an ink dude. This ink dude splats ink all over the screen so you can only see a few spaces of track. The ink always covers your direct line of vision. Basically put - you can't see where you're going. You can't see straight ahead. You can't see where you are. After getting this version of ammunition used against me several times I noticed something. If I would stop worrying about what the ink covered up, and instead focus on what I could see, I could navigate almost as easily as if the ink weren't there based on my surroundings and distant vision. (Ok - not my standard of vocabulary -I'm sick and headed to bed, but I wanted to post this lest I forget.) Fast forward to this morning in church. We were talking about humility and having your own plans for your life. "Is God opposed to me because of me? Am I too pleased, too happy, too content, too enamored with myself?" Twisted, this became a challenge for me. Was I too busy with my own agenda that I missed the big picture in the first place?
Refocusing:
Everything that has been going on in my life since the beginning Christmas break seems to boil down to this one minute. This one recollection. This one settlement. I've been going haywire. But why? It's because I got distracted. My focus was off. I was working my agenda. I wanted to be there for so-and-so. I wanted to be a role model. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be wanted. Looking back, is it something I prayed about? Yes. Is it something God will use no matter how it started? Yes. Did I do anything bad (other than waste time)? No. But now that my focus is back I see that He gave me headliners that I didn't need to be worrying about certain things. But I was determined. I wanted to settle things when I never needed to settle them. "No" was "no." Why didn't I leave it there? Does it matter if I do or don't want it if I've obviously been told "no"? Now, with my focus once again where it should be, I see - no. No, it doesn't matter what I think. I didn't know what to think because I didn't need to. "No" was clear and unwavering. My opinion doesn't matter. And you know what? I'm ok with that.
So - thank you, Mario and mythical ink dude for helping me get my focus straight. It's nice to be back. :)

Two-faced

"Remember - your goal is to run whole-heartedly after God and let Him take care of the rest." I smiled as my mom gave this closing advice. It seemed so simple. And in truth - it is. So why does it seem so complicated? Why is it so difficult?
You know those moments in your life when you have a crossroads and you must choose which way to go? The choices aren't necessarily of a right/wrong, good/bad nature, but what you choose will change your life forever. And you have to make a choice.
I made mine. But sometimes I think back and wonder if it was the right one. The other way looks so much easier now. I've gotten so lost in trying to do something I thought was what I was suppose to do. And now I feel as if I am the biggest hypocrite there ever was. I'm stuck between who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. And worse than not being who I wish- I feel myself receding. Not a year ago, I was one of the most distrusting and reserved people you ever would have met. A loner. Proud. And solid. Unshakable to a fault. In. Out. Done. Walk away. Cold turkey. Don't look back.
Duty. "Duty" - it was my love, my idol, my life. Duty gave me reason to live. I had a duty - and no one could tell me I didn't do my job. I would get the job done if it killed me. I would not falter. Heart was for those who couldn't get the job done. They changed with circumstances and deviated from the mission. They were weak. I would never let that happen to me. I was business all the way. Dependence was not an option. And I put it on myself.
College changed that. Well, honestly, God changed that. He sent some people into my life to shake me. Who straight-up told me that I couldn't live this way. At first I was strong. I managed to ignore them and keep my secure walls. But little by little, God chipped away at my heart. I began to question if I was actually right or if there was something to what my friends were saying. Then He broke through. Between my two best friends at the time (the first person I really opened up to and my first real good girl friend) God managed to begin taking down my walls, brick by brick. Praise Him - it wasn't a smash through the walls kind of thing. I think that would have only created more resistance. But gently, He removed brick by single brick. I gained strength in my new found identity. Someone human. Someone fragile. And realizing that this was ok. Someone loved. Finding my identity in Him rather than my "secure walls." Putting my trust in Him. Freedom.
Then it happened. I was faced with a challenge that sent me into a minor blip of distrust. I felt a little overwhelmed. But I wanted to prove I could do it. To myself. I wanted to prove I was different than I use to be to myself and others. I wanted this chance to be used by God and allow him to work through me. I knew I couldn't do it. But I wanted to try. It went well-ish at first. But then I didn't see what I had expected to. I didn't understand what was happening and my minor blip turned into my full fledged seizing of the reigns. I was to be an example. But I wasn't perfect, so I fell back on a face. I was to let God work through me, and instead I tried doing things myself. I became confused and felt myself slowly putting the bricks back in place.
"You knew this would happen," a voice said, "but it's ok- at least you can still rebuild your wall." "At least this time wasn't as bad as before, but have you learned your lesson?" "I forgive you, just come back into safety and we'll put this behind us." At first I fought it. But slowly, I began to gain comfort from the soothing voice. I hadn't hurt from my walls previously. I hadn't known "what I was missing." I was completely content before. Ignorant bliss. Why shouldn't I go back. Maybe the path I chose wasn't right. I've been given a chance to go back. "Ya, you're right. Maybe I do need to be more cautious." *Brick* "I didn't hurt back then." *Brick* "Is feeling this kind of pain and confusion really worth feeling at all?" *Brick* Up and up they went.
The conflict in my chest was terrible! I was begging to fight the rebuilding, but steadily obeying the soothing voice that drove it on. The worst part was realizing that while I was doing this, I was also still portraying myself as fine. I felt the dungeon bars close and the key turn as I realized I was once again in a full-fledged mask. I may not be able to disguise it as well anymore, but "it will come back with practice" like the voice promised.
Honestly I would love to say that I have found a resolution to all this. That everything's back to being fine, I'm free and there's a happy ending. And I could. And with my lips and face I try to say everything's great. But at least in my writing the part of me that is still trying to fight the rebuilding can find some voice. I honestly don't know what is going to happen. So many things could come of this. I know God has a plan. And I know I need to be chasing after Him, but right now, running is one of the last hings I want to be doing. I'm tired. I don't want this to just "go away" this time only to come back again in a few months. I want it to be gone for good. I'm sick of this. I'm done. But right now, I just don't feel the strength to fight.
So, basically, this post is for two things: 1. I want to apologize to everyone who's had to put up with me as I'm trying to figure this out- especially my bestie Liz. and 2. I want to allow some voice to my resistance in hopes that it will help me defeat myself.